I'm losin' my mind

Ckim · Experienced user Joined: 15 Aug 2008 Posts: 57

Ever since I quit my job 3 years ago, my time has been a little more free and since I don't have to get up in the morning for anything, I wouldn't.

Now, it is to the point where I just don't even go to sleep at night.

The stress of my father having cancer is starting to really get to me in ways that I am not apparently very aware of.

I have written a lot on here about how I value my father's dignity and how I am very sensitive to him being treated with respect.

I am wondering if I am taking it too far but I am just about ready to lose it with some close members of my family.

A sibling is visiting to help out my mom. She talks about my dad in front of my dad. She did this over the weekend at dinner.

My dad has a really good relationship with my children and they know how to get him to laugh and they love him very much.

Said sibling kept saying things like: "He really enjoys it when you guys are here--he enjoys listening to you."

It just came across as really weird and patronizing especially because my dad was sitting right there and could express the same thing if he so desired.

My father was having a problem with his drink. And by his drink, I mean, it's the only thing he has for nourishment. He was complaining and I was trying to find out about what.

It seems that the cup had a straw built in and it was hard for him to sip. Well, anyway, I thought that was the problem we were trying to solve. At one point my mother exclaimed to him that she was just going to get a baby bottle and put a nipple on it!

Pissed.Me.Off

Turns out what had my father upset was that my sister again had changed the contents of his drink. Instead of a mix of Boost and whole milk--she substituted soy milk and he doesn't like it.

He told her about 5 months ago that he didn't like it.

About 5 months ago was when the coughing started in earnest and she was sure it was the fat in the milk he was drinking and she thought if we just changed that it would help the coughing.

I have tried to explain that the coughing is caused by tumors in his lungs, not milk, but the idea seems to persist.

My mother is martyring herself to take care of him. And while my sister is a big help, she is squarely on the side of the mother and doesn't get that their petty banter and treating him like a child is what elicits his sarcasm and nastiness.

She was telling me today that she had to remind him to be nicer to my mother.

My mother has no patience. She acts like a 2 year old sometimes and at times it seems she is more concerned with how things look than with how my father feels--although I know deep down that is NOT the case.

So, my sister is telling me this and she says that she asked my mom, what if it was her with the problem, would my father take care of her like that?

Well, of course not! He would hire someone to help! He knows that he couldn't do it himself. And he would be a basket case if she were sick.

So, tonight, at one point, in my father's room, my sister starts talking to me about taking care of my father.

She earlier had informed me that I was expected to come over and help put him into bed every night. At the energy level he is at now, that is possible. But, he has another treatment next week which will no doubt set him back a bit--even though I think for sure that it is working.

I can't commit myself to take care of him. I just can't. I will not take care of intimate duties because I want to remain his daughter and not be his caregiver.

Can't I love my father and not choose to do that?

Anyway, when she started talking to me in my father's room about my father's care, I tried to suggest that we not have the conversation in the room at that time.

She got pissed and flounced out.

Isn't it the height of rudeness to talk about someone in front of them?

I get the distinct impression that is upsets him because of how he has reacted in the past--because of things he has said before.

I know it upsets me.

I am having panic attacks. Even as I write this. Every other minute or so, I get this weird sound in my ears for a second and feel dizzy with a panicked feeling in my chest as if the universe as shifted somehow.

It's very strange, very distinctive and almost constant especially at night.

I have tried counseling, I have tried drugs (prescribed). I feel like I need to get involved in something that I can focus on but worry that trying to start something in the midst of him having cancer will not leave me free to help out when I can.

As the subject line says, I am losin' it!

Physically, I am not well. I wake up in pain every day and am in pain every day. It's just a malaise that is always there. And I DON'T have cancer.

My husband says that I am very empathic and that his suffering could be affecting me physically.

I don't know what to do.

Husband and I are supposed to go on a trip for most of next week. On one hand, I know I need to go. On the other, I am panicked just thinking about having to deal with traveling and not being here.

I am at my wit's end! Crying or Very sad

brainman · Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 1:35 am Post subject: Re: I'm losin' my mind

{{{Ckim}}}. It does sound like you are under a lot of stress Sad

. I hope that you can find a way to deal with all of the pressure you are under. Yes, getting away will help but only if you can relax.

You and your father are in my thoughts and prayers.
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Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendroglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

pbj11 · Site Admin Joined: 12 May 2007 Posts: 1385

Ckim,

So sorry to hear that all of this stress is affecting both you and your mother so badly. It is hard to live with cancer hanging over your heads every day for a prolonged period of time and stress starts to come out in some pretty strange ways --- both mentally and physically.

Take the vacation -- you DO need a break. This is your mother's job to handle, although I think you've mentioned that she's not in great health. You've spoken of getting some type of caregiver in once in awhile and that may not be a bad idea to have an objective third party around to check on things.

I can't give you any magic formulas to help with the tension and sleep issues -- I had/have them myself. I do find that I've worked my way up to 20mgs Melatonin at night and that has given me a little bit of a more relaxed feeling as I head toward bedtime. I'm still up til all hours of the night, but I'm relaxed about it! Wink

Take care, take a deep breath, and a little step back to help with some perspective.

Hugs,
PBJ
_________________
Husband diagnosed with NSCLC Stage IV. (Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer) Fought & lived 2 1/2 years with multiple lines of treatment.

Post describing our battle: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=7026&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

EFP · Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 10:42 am Post subject: Re: I'm losin' my mind

Hi CKim.

I feel for what you are going through. Here are some random thoughts/suggestions.

1. Maybe you're getting a little hypersensitive? I have no doubt that your sister's talking in your father's presence as tho he weren't there is offensive but the actual example you quoted sounds like something I can imagine saying in the presence of a perfectly healthy person. Of course, I don't know what the tone was but at face value it MIGHT have been just something she said to make everyone feel good! Possible?

2. You might want to check with his insurance about home care. I second PBJ's suggestion about getting a caregiver -- but I would try to have someone round-the-clock or at least for the times when he needs help with personal stuff. Some families are not terrifically modest and I imagine a situation like yours would be easier for them -- but your family (or at least you) sounds more like mine and it's really rough. In 2001 I had a massive heart attack and spent 2.5 weeks like a beached whale in a cardiac ICU, unable to do ANYTHING for myself. The only way I survived that emotionally was that all the many gross chores were being performed by very kind and matter-of-fact nurses whom I didn't know and would never see again outside of that environment. Even so, I had to keep reminding myself that this is what they have chosen to do for a living and they do it all the time. If any friend or relative had even been in the room at those times, I would have gone out of my mind. So my heartfelt recommendation is to see about getting a professional stranger to do the difficult stuff.

In the meantime, hang in there and let's have a glass of wine. Wink

EFP
_________________
64-yr-old woman dx 12/07 Stage 4 NSCLC (adenocarcinoma), with mets to lymph nodes and bones (pelvis, L3). Only symptoms are blood clots, for which am taking Lovenox, and some pain from the bone mets, for which I had radiation to the pelvis and spine. Have opted to do no chemo or chest radiation.

LizNDale · Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 1:36 pm Post subject: Re: I'm losin' my mind

Ckim,

I'm so sorry you're going through this!

I hope you DO take the vacation, it sounds like you could really benefit from a few days away.

I wish I had advice for you, but I really don't. Just want you to know I sympathize.

Can you go out with your sister, say for a drink or something, and have a healthy discussion about what you've told us?

Good luck,

Liz
_________________
My Mother - Stage IV NSCLC - Adenocarcinoma
Mets to Adrenal Glands and Brain
Diagnosed Thursday June 12th 2008
Died Sunday September 7th 2008

Her Story:
http://cancerforums.net/about9639.html
Her Statement of Faith Memorial:
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=10528

Ckim · Experienced user Joined: 15 Aug 2008 Posts: 57

Thank-you for your replies and support.

In about 8 hours I will headed to Colorado and a few days at Copper Mountain. My husband has a conference there to attend and I have a free ticket on Southwest.

Traveling gets me nervous but I think I have everything ready. I went out tonight to get some traveling clothes. The weather there is more late fall like than here where it is hurricane season and hot and humid.

I have put together lots of layered things and I am going to read a lot. I also bought myself a coloring book--it has very intricate pictures in it to color but hopefully that will bust some stress.

I also might get to go horse back riding.

I haven't seen my dad since Thursday night because he was asleep when I was over there. But, I just have to get away.

On my way out tonight, my sister says she want to "talk." We'll see about that. I don't really get on all that well with her and I resent someone telling me what my role is going to be and I know that's what it will be--her, a decade older, telling me what I should do, how I should do it, etc.

It just adds to the stress.

Oh well, I will see how the next 5 days go. If I can make it through the traveling without freaking out, that will be an improvement.

BTW, my dad has started doing his PT exercises. He has some trouble feeling with his hands and feet, but he is trying very hard.

His PT guy has asked for a neuro consult to see if there is anything else they can help him with.

But, I think the chemo is working, so that is very encouraging.

kenneth scotland · Regular Joined: 03 Mar 2008 Posts: 36

Hi Kim
sorry to hear about this. I hope you enjoy Colorado and your trip- enjoy it to the maximum- you need this time.

Families- eh!! Full of surprises, but everyone is an individual and everyone is under pressure and at the same time, trying to cope in the way they think best. We all have a different persective and we all love the family member we are trying to support, but approach it slightly differently. At the same time, we all have our different fears which colours that perspective and the way we say and do things.

I have been through something recently where I could not and did not respond as it would have caused a huge and probably permanently irrepairable family rift. As you know, my dad is unwell. A member of my wifes family approached her to ask if I would let her daughter move into my dads house when he died. In the meantime they would pop in and look after him. They have never visited him previously, only met him a couple of times and to date, have not popped in.

That left me speechless as my dad has put up a good fight and the question is something that should never have been asked, particularly at a time like this. It is probably as well that I did not respond, but the person will have had time to reflect on asking the question. That I think is enough.

Only my thoughts, but there you go!

Thinking of you and your family and take care. My best to you all!

Ckim · Experienced user Joined: 15 Aug 2008 Posts: 57

[quote="kenneth scotland"]Hi Kim
I have been through something recently where I could not and did not respond as it would have caused a huge and probably permanently irrepairable family rift. As you know, my dad is unwell. A member of my wifes family approached her to ask if I would let her daughter move into my dads house when he died. In the meantime they would pop in and look after him. They have never visited him previously, only met him a couple of times and to date, have not popped in.

That left me speechless as my dad has put up a good fight and the question is something that should never have been asked, particularly at a time like this. It is probably as well that I did not respond, but the person will have had time to reflect on asking the question. That I think is enough.[/quote]

Wow, circling vultures! Shocked

I can think of no circumstances whatsoever where that would be an appropriate question. It would be bad enough is someone were asking for a smaller item, but live in his house?!!!

Hope is so very important when dealing with this. My dad seems to be doing a little better after his 2nd chemo. He would not be able to live on his own at all though.

And he is a lot more accepting of affection.

Today is chemo #3 so I am hoping that it will not lay him too low--he actually started doing a little bit of PT in the last week!

I think you should keep making invitations for your dad to move down to you, but not too pushy. Independence is important to us all, more so when one has cancer. I bet there will come a time when he accepts!

As far as the people who are planning on what to do with your dad's house after he is gone, maybe a little family rift is a good thing
Confused

pbj11 · Site Admin Joined: 12 May 2007 Posts: 1385

Gee -- I'm so glad I missed all this family drama with my husband. Rolling Eyes

We did have a huge rift in my family after my last parent passed away. Oooohhh, the greed factor reared it's ugly head and 1/2 of us didn't speak to the other 1/2 for years.

Kenneth -- Asking to move in??? What chutzpah! I'd say the operative answer for being dumb enough to even ask that question would be a huge "NEVER." But that's just me... Confused

Hope you have a nice vacation Ckim. You deserve it. Very Happy

PBJ
_________________
Husband diagnosed with NSCLC Stage IV. (Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer) Fought & lived 2 1/2 years with multiple lines of treatment.

Post describing our battle: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=7026&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

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