lost my mam and not coping

Darren21 · New User Joined: 13 Nov 2007 Posts: 1 Location: Durham

hello

i recently lost my mother too stomach cancer aged 48, it all started when i was in training to be a royal marine when my mother had a some dodgy food and for a few month wasnt eating well and for some reason i knew i had to come out of the marines so i did. my mams stomach problems continued unaware to us it was cancer, she had sevral camras down into her and it was thought to be an ulser. a few months after i left the marines the doctors decided to do surgery to have a look at the outer stomach wall this was in january 07 and 2 weeks later we had the first news of cancer and i was crushed. we didt yet have a timeline so after another more detailed op we found it was a very aggresive cancer wich aleady spread to her diaphram and surrounding organs and she had a few weeks left to live.

shortly after this news my girlfriend had left me she was the main person keeping me going and i was working away from home 5 days of the week. every time i came home i could see mam getting worse she was such a fit active stong person and to see her reduced to not even haveing the energy or strength to get out of bed realy hit hard for me. this continued for 7 month and after a visit to the hospital for a checkup we had the same doctors and they were very supised she was still alive, by this time she was in a hospice beeing cared for and things were getting very bad when i phoned my dad up from work to see how she was and he told me she has went down hill so i got the train straight tothe hospital. i was far from prepared i kept saying to myself she be alright she will get better she is only 48 and didnt smoke drink or eat junky food. when i get their i was horrificly shocked and burst into tears the mam that wa strong and fit was reduced to skin and bone.

my mam wanted to be at home so we got a bed from mcmillians and the help of a nurse 24/7 and the next week she got worse every day i stayed with her as much as i could getting 1-2 hours sleep i didnt want to leave her, she was still fighting getting her 28th anniversary over with then the end of the month she started seeing things and getting delerious and secretion was comming from her mouth. my dad spoke to her and told her to let go it was time to stop fighting i was out the room at the time when the nurse called me and my brothers in and i held her hand kissed her and told her how much i loved her and she went. now 14 weeks later im still crying myself to sleep every night and not coping well at all i miss her so much and despritly want to see her and talk to her again my family dont know how i feel and i dont want to tell them, i was close to my mam and not having her around anymore does my head in i dont like beeing at home anymore after getting back with my girlfriend i spend as much time as i can at her house but even their i am feeling realy down and i dunno howto explain to her what i went through when we were apart and she doesnt know how much i am hurting. now i have xmas comming up a big family day things are getting too much for me everyone else is coping ok apart from me and i dont knowwhat to do.

brainman · Posted: Tue Nov 13, 2007 3:46 pm Post subject: Re: lost my mam and not coping

Hi Darren, my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry about your mother's death. Stomach cancer can be such a horrible way to die.

My mother died 9 years ago of a GBMIV... a very agreesive primary brain cancer. I was my parents primary care provider and was in the room holding her had when she died. I can identify with you so much. My father died one year ago and I live in what I still think of as my mother's house, using her kitchen, washind cloths in her washing machine, etc. I sometimes even think I hear her in the other room when no one is there. It does get easier as time goes by but the memories and pain are still one skin deep. You too will heal but it will take time. I assume you are working now? Like water, your life will find a new "level" as time passes.

Best wishes. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
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mybabiesbaby · Regular Joined: 12 Aug 2007 Posts: 31

I am so sorry about your mom and my heart goes out to you because of your loss and your honesty.

You wrote that you do not want to tell your family but it may be a good idea...you never know if someone else is feeling the same way...If talking to them is definately out of the question then I would seek grief counseling. It would definately help you with your grief and what seems like depression...My thoughts are with you.
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Mom has HEP C, Cirrhosis and HCC
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