Mother with Cancer Moving In

Shyviolet101 · New User Joined: 21 Nov 2007 Posts: 5

I am so glad I've found this forum. I didn't even know that something like this existed. Hopefully someone will understand what I'm currently going through.

I'm a 24 year old female.. married, no kids. I'm in the military. I never in my life would have thought that I would be taking care of my own mother at such a young age, when only a few years before, she was taking care of ME!

It all began almost 10 years ago. My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had a mastectomy, chemo and radiation, and all was good. She was pronounced healed (or whatever) and she went on to live a good life for the next few years.

Four years ago, it returned. I can't recall where it was found exactly, but I do know that it has traveled to her organs (lungs, kidneys), up her neck, and possibly in her brain. There is now a large, bulbous lump on the base of her spine that could be cancer. She is continuously on all kinds of experimental drugs, which keep her knocked out and asleep 90% of the day, and radiation. Her doctor has revealed to me that she doesn't believe my mother will live for more than a few years longer.

She has been living with an abusive husband the past few years. Now that I just recently bought a house, I asked her to come and live with me so she can divorce the abuser and move on to a more healing environment.

Now here's the problem (besides the obvious medical problems as described above). Please, please don't consider me selfish for revealing these concerns - I do love my mother tremendously, and I desperately want a harmonious household for her sake.

Her personality has changed completely in the past few years since the re-introduction of cancer in her body. She has become a hoarder. She owns at least twice what my husband and I own together, and the house that I have is rather small. I'm not a fan of clutter, but she has favored the "ebay" house over any semblance of sanity and cleanliness. I completely understand her lack of energy, and for that I intend to hire a housekeeper to help if necessary, but that doesn't excuse her tendency to buy multiple items off of the Home Shopping Network every single day. She seems to feel that because she doesn't have much longer to live, she's entitled to open up credit cards in her husband's name and charge hundreds of thousands of dollars on them without him knowing. I'm terrified that she may do the same - open up credit cards in my name. I'm in the military, and if she somehow ruins my credit, I could get kicked out.. and then she would no longer have an insurance to cover her, since my insurance is through the military. So you can hopefully see how this is a concern.

I purchased a large storage room down the street ($50 a month) to store her belongings. She is fine with this because she owns so much that she no longer even knows what she owns, and she is used to buying things and simply putting them away to never use or enjoy. It's perhaps the thrill of purchasing things that makes her feel good, and she has nearly admitted as much. I'm not sure how to convince her to "let go" of some of her things, particularly the things that have no sentimental value to her. A family member referred to it as "chemo brain". I'm not sure what this means or if this is something that can be helped or changed. I just know that this is NOT my mother from five years ago.

She is bringing along her two destructive dogs. I love dogs, but not HER dogs. I'll take care of them and house them for her sake, but it still irks me a bit. I have two cats who have never seen a dog in their lives. I know that this is going to be a huge change for all of us, even the cats!

Which then brings me to my last concern. My husband has a tremendous amount of patience. I work full time and he works part time, so I know that he will be taking care of my mom's doctor appointments throughout the week. I'm concerned that my mother's hoarding tendencies will eventually come between my husband and I, when we're the exact opposite (we're minimalists in most regards). A friend advised me NOT to move my mother in, because they're certain that I will lose my husband in the process, but that's not a choice I'm willing to make. I do not want to live without EITHER of them, particularly not without my mother in the last few years of her life.

I'm not sure how to deal with this. I find myself far more depressed and frightened than I've ever been in my life. I've never been a particularly emotional person, but the thought that I've practically already lost my mother (as her personality has changed drastically even beyond the hoarding), and then the idea that I may lose my husband out of not having enough time/energy for him with caring for my mother, is just all too much to handle alone right now. I find myself crying even as I write this.

Thank you for your time in reading this.

ksplat · Posted: Wed Nov 21, 2007 7:06 pm Post subject: Re: Mother with Cancer Moving In

HI there Shyviolet101,
OH MY GIDDY AUNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You have such alot to deal with at the moment....you've taken the first positive step in talking about your concerns here. This forum is fantastic for support, comfort, info & understanding, & I know you will receive lots of support from our members.
I admire your strength & depth of love for you Mother. You are NOT being selfish you are being practical & responsbile.
You are doing the right thing by welcoming her to your home.....it is yours & your Husband's home though & you will need to ensure your Mother is clear on this (in the nicest possible way). You sound "very together" from what I've read & there will be sacrifices & allowances that need to be made between the 3 of you.
My Dad had a severy stroke when he was only 56 & my Mum took him home to look after him (they were separated at the time & he had another partner). She cared for him for the last 15yrs of his life. She was a bloody saint! The stroke changed him in so many ways, mentally & physically. He was disabled, he was very angry for all of those years, & never accepted his health problems & he wasn't always the loving Husband & dear Father he was before. Dad even started some gross & perverted behaviours after the stroke & his behavior to my Sis & I was incestuous on many levels. This was the hardest "change" for us to manage & we were often complaining to Mum about his obnoxious behaviours. Poor Mum had such a "huge cross to bear" with Dad.
You will need to support your Husband even more if he is going to be responsible for the "caring" of your Mother as well! Make sure you talk about everything with him & ensure he is communicating everything to you in your absence.
As for the "home shopping" I can't see that you will be able to control this behaviour whilst your Mum is so determined about it. Maybe she is doing it as a "control" behaviour as she is no longer in control or living independently? Perhaps you should EMBRACE & treat this as a positive as your Mum is still able to do things "independently" as long as you can bear the extra CLUTTER around your home. As for the Credit Card business I would be ensuring yours & your Husband's Banking & Business Files are kept under LOCK & KEY for your own safety. Is it a real problem that your Dad's cards are being used? Maybe she feels he owes her....maybe she needs to talk to someone about this, or you could get some counselling on her behalf....or better still get some counselling for yourself!
As for the animals....I have nothing to suggest here! In fact I'm lost for words!
Do you have "respite" or "day care" available where you live? So that your Mum can attend a facility for a day (or even 1/2 day) or respite for a weekend so that you & your Husband can have some "time to yourselves" occasionally. I believe this will only enhance your relationship & current circumstances. This is probably the best advice I can offer.
Once again you are doing a wonderful thing for your Mum. I admire you & wish you all the best.
God's blessings.
Cheers, Aussie Angie.
_________________
Brother diagnosed with GBMIV Feb 07
Treatment: Radiotherapy, Temodal, Gliadel Wafers, Dexamethasone, Keppra, Dilantin, Clexane
Went to our Heavenly Father after a 19mth battle,, 47 years young.
23 Sep 2008
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=19227

"Without Faith We Have Nothing"

ang569 · Regular Joined: 21 Nov 2007 Posts: 11

Violet,

You and husband are AMAZING! You have to adjust through this and I have a feeling you will. I think this will make your relationship with your Mother and your husband stronger.

In the end, you will be glad you made this work.

My Mother would not move in with me in a million years. She doesnt need to though, I have a wonderful Father who is a saint and has taken care of her. I live in the same neighborhood so I'm just a few seconds away, if I'm needed while works.

It is so crazy how this has strengthened their relationship. I worry about my father,if he outlives her, and what will become of him. I will urge him to move in with me because I will be all he has left. I have no siblings.

Hang in there. i think you will make this work and you will be surpised how this will strengthen your relationships.

derekinSA · Posted: Sun Nov 25, 2007 12:27 pm Post subject: Re: Mother with Cancer Moving In

WOW you got your work cut out for you. I recognize your decision to look after your mom. I know that whatever happens it will be better than if you had decided not to do this.

Having cancer does not give anybody the excuse for being a shit. I had my moments while undergoing chemo treatment. You can be angry and you can be scared and you can be desperate and you can be depressed and you can be all those things at once sometimes but it does not give you an excuse to give up the good in you.

Remember this while dealing with your mother over the next couple of years.

I have to add that I do think one way that will help you to make this all work is complete honesty. We have done some work with cancer survivors to see what it was that helped them get through it all and one of the common themes was honesty. Honesty in how they felt, honesty in their relationships, honesty in their fears, honesty in those around them. It may cause a lot of arguments in the beginning but I am sure it will help in the long run.
_________________
With Love
Derek

Cancer Survivor, in remission since July 07

Life coach

CancerGenius · Regular Joined: 11 Nov 2007 Posts: 14

So good reading your post.

Life can be soooo tough it's unbearable.

You and your husband should be commended. Truly.

I have more new found respect for the people on this board than any 'celebrity' or 'politician' on TV.

The people, like the above woman, show a courage that only a soldier in Iraq can know: how to help others in need at a time of dying.

This country was built by courageous people, not the kind you see in Hollywood or the media (they don't care about you; they just want your money).

I wish this board would take up collections for people like the woman poster so we can all help. I'm personally going to do more next year to help others in need.

Let's cut the desensitizing garbage of TV and Hollywood out of lives and return to volunterism, helping the needy, giving thanks to God, being kinder and more gentle, reflecting on who we are, having an attitude of gratitude, taking time to listen.

Seriously, let's really try helping the people on this board more and others around our country and this world.

Shyviolet101 · New User Joined: 21 Nov 2007 Posts: 5

All,

I appreciate the support I received here so very, very much. My mother did in fact move in and we had some rough patches at first, but then we had some good times too. We traveled a few hours away to her hometown and spent some time with family that she hasn't seen in many years. She passed away this morning at my aunt's house. My uncle, who works for hospice, says that sometimes people will wait until they are with family to pass, and I think that's exactly what happened. It's still all so surreal - particularly since this was unexpected. I knew she'd pass, but certainly not this quickly. I have my regrets - I wish I'd focused less on how her move would affect ME and more about what I could do for her in the last month of her life. Her dogs will be taken care of by my husband and I.. they really are sweethearts. They stayed at my mom's side for hours even after she passed, and they didn't want to leave her side.

I hope everyone has a good Christmas and please, please don't take your family members for granted. Oh, what I wouldn't give for a few more hours with my mom.

brainman · Posted: Tue Dec 25, 2007 3:22 am Post subject: Re: Mother with Cancer Moving In

Oh, Shyviolet, I am so very sorry about your mother's death Sad

. It does sound like you made the most out of these last few months. My heart goes out to you this Christmas morning.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendroglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

In · Posted: Wed Dec 26, 2007 12:38 am Post subject: Re: Mother with Cancer Moving In

Shyviolet101,

I have been following you, and your mum's story. I'm so sadden by the loss of your mum. And at such a time of year.

I know you spent the time isely and will have no regrets. I also know you are such a loving and caring person, and your mum knew this.

Please Take Care of yourself over these next hard few days.
_________________
Thinking of you Inica

*Administrator*

~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~

My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731

Smile

9 Lives and still kicking Smile

derekinSA · Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2008 4:01 am Post subject: Re: Mother with Cancer Moving In

Shyviolet101

U and your family will be in my thoughts tonight.

Don’t beat yourself up at all, you took on a big job with a big heart and lots of love, so no regrets ok !!!

Lots of us wish we had done more, but you actually went out there and did it.

go with love
Derek
_________________
With Love
Derek

Cancer Survivor, in remission since July 07

Life coach

helensgirl · Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2008 3:34 pm Post subject: your mom

(((((((((SHY)))))))))
I am truly sorry to hear of your mom's passing... I can definitely relate...I lost mine on Dec. 14th, 07. Try not to dwell to much on "could-have's & should-have's"...That kind of thing can really have negative effects--beyond what you are going thru already. My thoughts and prayers are with you. You can find a pic and short bio on my mom at http://www.lungcanceralliance.org/facing/facesoflungcancer/. Her name is Helen Allen...You might even like to add your mom to the site someday... Take care, Kim
_________________
...keeping the faith in n.c.
Helen, my wonderful mom, diagnosed May, 07
fought-stage 4 NSCLC, (adenocarcinoma)
earned her place in Heaven, Dec. 14th, 07

	Cancer Forums Forum Index -> Coping and Support	All times are GMT - 5 Hours
Page 1 of 1

A website for discussions about any type of cancer, including lung cancer, breast cancer, mesothelioma, prostate cancer, laryngeal cancer, leukemia, lymphoma, multiple myeloma and others