Marriage after cancer.

adognamedkat · New User Joined: 15 Jan 2008 Posts: 6

Hello Everyone,
This is my first post. I need some help from those who have been through this. My wife was diagnosed with Cervical Cancer last year.

Her cervical cancer was treatable through surgery. On December 4th she had her 5 month followup appointment and got the "all clear" from her oncologist.

Her diagnosis made her very resentful of a lot of people who she thought were not there for her. I became the primary focus of that resentment. Even though I did so much for her it wasnt enough. She had her surgery in June and let the resentment fester for about a month and a half. She never let me know and I tried to talk to her about things but she just clammed up.

She had been openning up to some of her friends (and probably painting a really horrible picture of me). One such friend was a guy she worked with. The more she opened up the closer she got to him and they ended up having an affair. I have no proof their was actual sex taking place but it would have if I had not caught them by intercepting emails and MSN chats. This was in November so she had been seeing this guy from the end of August till the middle of November.

So I got the "I love you but i'm not in-love with you" speach. She said she resented me so much she fell out of love with me. Since then I have been sleeping in another room and treated much like a roomate than a husband.

It took a big fight with me and an additional fight with her parents to finally get her into counseling. Everyone but her realized she could not handle the after effects of the cancer by herself and needed to go. She has had 4 appointments and has finally told me she no longer resents me or is angry with me. This is good. But she also said the resentment has not been replaced by love and she doesnt know if it ever will be.

I know she is looking back at her life and re-evaluating it. Taking stock and inventory of her relationship with her family, friends, and loved ones. Unfortunately I feel she is going to look back at our relationship and wonder if she ever really loved me at all. Right now she is struggling with getting herself centered and on a road to happiness. I just dont think I am going to be part of that.

I wish we could start to work on our relationship to make it stronger and make both of us happy but she does not want to take any type of couple counseling and right now does not have the energy to even care about me. I feel selfish wishing she would but I dont know how much longer I can do this. It is hard to live with someone you love so much but they treat you like a stranger. If it were not for our daughter I dont know if I would still be around. I hate going to bed at night and crying. I hate not having someone to care about me and show even a little effection. But I also do not want to give up on her. I feel most of this is the struggle with cancer and I can forgive her for everything if that is the case.

I would hate for it to be over but I realize being in a one sided relationship does me no justice and is self defeating. It is time to move on but I am still here spinning my wheels waiting for her. She is going to go on a vacation with two of her friends at the end of this month. I hope she will return with a clearer head and a direction for us. If she ends it then I just have to pick up the pieces and get on with my life.

Thanks for listening/reading this. I needed to vent. I reached out to two of my close friends with this. One has gone away for a three week vacation to Europe and the other is going through a similar experience and does not want this unloaded on him right now.

brainman · Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 9:25 pm Post subject: Re: Marriage after cancer.

Hi adognamedkat, I am very sorry about what cancer is doing to your life. I have to tell you that I most identify with your wife in this Embarassed

in the sense that I too reevaluated the direction my life was going in and my relationships. To be fair with you, my relationship with my wife (ex-wife now) had been strained long before the cancer came. I married her for a lot of wrong reasons but never could get her to go with me to couple's counseling. Therein is a big difference in my relationship and yours: I, the one with cancer, saw the need to go to counseling whereas your wife does not see that need. Although we have been divorced for 8 years now, my wife still wears her engagement and wedding rings... part of her religious belief that we are not divorced in the eyes of God... even thought I have remarried since.

Cancer does cause people to take a real hard look at their lives and to ask some very tough questions: Is this the life I really want to live? Are these the relationships I want to have for the rest of my life? Do I really love my wife/husband?

I can sympathise with the pain this all must be causing you. Your options are very few at this point. You almost need to start all over again with your wife. Ask her if she would like to start by going back in time to when you were just dating and act that way toward her. Start slow, as you would with any woman you would date. If there is any possibility of true love between the two of you, this might rekindle the sparks.

There is another possibility of what is going on with your wife. She may be trying to distance herself from you because she does love you and wants to set you free so that you do not have to go through this fight with cancer with her. She may feel that her life is going to be short and you should "find someone else." In my case, that was only partly true. I came to see that I was just using (or abusing) my wife by depending on her so much through my fight with cancer but without loving her.... treating her more like a maid and nurse than a wife.

Good luck. You really do have an uphill battle in your hands.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

adognamedkat · New User Joined: 15 Jan 2008 Posts: 6

Thank you Brainman.

To be honest I do not know which direction my wife is coming from. I walk on egg shells all the time because I am afraid of making her angry with me. It is a horrible feeling to be sitting in your house while your wife treats you like a roommate.
She is not a bad person. She has a lot of great qualities. I just feel she is being very selfish right now to the point she is hurting other people. She deserves to be selfish right now, but not at the expense of other people’s feelings.
I guess I just feel like I deserve to have a chance at making our marriage work. I deserve to have us both try and make our marriage better. And when she does not want to take that action it makes me feel like garbage.

Right now I am going to give her space to work things out and work on myself. In the end, if she ends it, I will not have wasted the time doing nothing. I have goals set and everyday I am going to take steps towards those goals. Even if they are baby steps.

In · Posted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 5:20 pm Post subject: Re: Marriage after cancer.

adognamedkat,

I have tears falling as i read your post. I have lived through this, and still am.

Cancer can do Amazing things to people- it can give them the will to "live" to find themselves and their path in life. BUT Cancer does awful things not just to your body- but the mind and emotions too.

I have read an re-read your posts. I feel for you. When i had/have Cancer ( I wont go through my story- see my link in signature), but It cermented Matt and my Love. But in saying that it also but something between us.

What do you want? Do you really, deeply Love her? Or what you have together? Is it just comfort to be together? I ask this not to hurt, or blame, but just to put a seed in your mind.

Cancer for me, made me think how lucky I was, love, family, health. In my case it was when i had Hunter that things went pear shape. I started to think- is this what i want? Is this what i deserve? What I want for my life? What do I want? Why am i staying, or trying so hard for? Is it worht it? Am i doing it because i don't want to eb alone? or for Hunter's sake?.......Is it a comfirt thing?, will it be too hard to go/ will it be a mistake- am i trying enough. (so many questions i know)

For me we lost all LOVE- that deep all consuming love for each other. The in-love feelings. I will always love my husband, he is the Father of my Child, and has always been there through everything. All my hard times. And i guess this is where it gets hard. Why leave someone so amazing? Who eles would live through the pain, and moodiness i have.?? what other person, live with a grouch like me? Wink

Is he that amazing and I just can't see it? am i being the "grass is always greener, on the other side".
My Husband LOVES me, he is IN-love with me. For us it's a growing apart thing, growing up and drifting.....different needs and wants in life.
We lost alot of the love feelings, the caring, the understanding, the affection for each other.

After reading your story, I felt. I deeply felt and looked back. Write what you feel down. In a letter for your wife. (you may never give it to her, but it might make her think- long and hard) Do not place any blame, on yourself or her. Just state how you feel, what you want in life and in general. Tell her you fears, your deep feelings about her. Write it all down.
read it and re-read it. Cerment in in your mind on how you feel.

Give her her trip away. Let her think and make a decision. You can't live like this. You can't let her dangle you about. She is in a way useing you. Keeping you- till she works out what she wants. (which is ok- if it wasn't hurting you- and it is). Don't let her tell you what you have to live like.
Let her have this month- but tell her she needs to think about this, as you can't live like this. Does she want to do counceling together? work through this? work together? Or is she looking for what might be better out there, and letting you wait in case? Maybe you need to leave so both can have a little break- i know this is really hard with a little one. But it might make her realise what she has lost etc.

Maybe make her see what she Loved in you before. Do all that "new love" stuff, the cooking candle light dinner (for three Razz

). the flowers picked on table, the cuddle up on lounge and movies. The love letters- or in your case the letters that tell her your deep feelings and desires, and lets her be able to explain some things too. on paper. Tiny steps.

Please don't take anything i say to heart- I'm not one to give advice in this area. But i thought it might help you. a little Embarassed

Let me know how you are feeling. And whats been happening...and what you think of the rambeling post ^^^ Wink

Inica
_________________
Thinking of you Inica

*Administrator*

~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~

My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731

Smile

9 Lives and still kicking Smile

adognamedkat · New User Joined: 15 Jan 2008 Posts: 6

Thank you Inica for your reply.

I have done the letter thing. I have also given her money go away at the end of this month. I am hoping she uses this month and the vacation to really evaluate our relationship, but I do not think she thinks she is strong enough or has enough will to try and fix "us". It is easier to just pack up and move on for her.
I offered to leave and move into a small appartment while she is working on herself but she said she wanted to go. I dont know where she is going to go but she will not talk to me about that. I plan on keeping the house we have for a few months before I even think of selling it. We have spent 15 years building our life together and it has crashed in 6 months.

I hate living like this. I want my family to be whole again. I wanted to heal with her and grow together as a couple but she has refused to let me in. I hate going to bed at night in a different room, crying because I love her so much. I believe she realizes how much I love her, I have told her and showed her over and over. I have stayed with her through thick and thin, more than anyone else has. And for this she fell out of love with me.

Cancer sucks and I hate it. At one point I had a cervical cancer ribbon tattooed on my chest, over my heart, because it has changed my life so dramatically. Even though I have gone through so much pain it has opened up my life. Even though it has almost ruined me I will make it through this. That is why I am having my totem animal tattooed around the ribbon... giving me strength.

Thanks to everyone who read this post and shared their thoughts with me.

In · Posted: Sat Jan 19, 2008 3:47 am Post subject: Re: Marriage after cancer.

adognamedkat- I wish you strength.

It sounds like you have the raw end of the deal- She had Cancer and grows and does her own thing, using it as a excuses in a way. While leaves you to shoulder the rest.

Unless you are happy, both of you happy. Family being together means nothing. Just more pain in the long run.

Please pm me or post to me anytime to give you a ear or a chat.

Inica
_________________
Thinking of you Inica

*Administrator*

~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~

My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731

Smile

9 Lives and still kicking Smile

adognamedkat · New User Joined: 15 Jan 2008 Posts: 6

She dropped the bomb last night.

Our marriage is over and she does not want to go to marriage counseling. I cant say I am happy about her decision but like I said I cannot do anything here but move on. I just sat their listening to her and let her say what she had to say.

So now it is a matter of selling our new house and looking for a place to live that is going to be suitable for me and my daughter. I also have to find a place that will let me keep my dogs.

I am scared and a little uneasy about the future. I have so many thoughts going through my head and had 0 sleep last night. But sometimes your life needs to be shaken up so that you step outside your comfort zone. Once out of that zone it is a test to rebuild and rebuilding usually leads to something better. I have learned a lot about myself in the last 5 months and I have grown a lot.

I guess the important thing I need acknowledge is the mother of my child overcame cancer and is a survivor. My daughter still has her mom.

brainman · Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 11:25 am Post subject: Re: Marriage after cancer.

adognamedkat, I am so very sorry about your wife's decision. I hope you can find happiness now. It is so unfortunate that cancer has caused this in your life.

Best wishes.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

In · Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 4:07 am Post subject: Re: Marriage after cancer.

adognamedkat,

I'm so sorry about your wife's decision. You sound like such a caring and loving person. - and positive too.
What other person could not find biterness in this circumstance- yet here you are, knowing you need to move on and find happiness and believe that things are ok- as your wife has her life and is moving on.

I wish things were different, but you now know where you stand and can try to find peace and happiness for you and your beautiful daughter.

Thinking of you, always here. Inica
_________________
Thinking of you Inica

*Administrator*

~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~

My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731

Smile

9 Lives and still kicking Smile

In · Posted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 6:04 am Post subject: Re: Marriage after cancer.

adognamedkat,

How are you? How is your beautiful Daughter? Anything improved around the house/with your wife or the enviroment around you both- since she has made that decision?

Let us know how you are.

thinking of you.,In
_________________
Thinking of you Inica

*Administrator*

~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~

My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731

Smile

9 Lives and still kicking Smile

adognamedkat · New User Joined: 15 Jan 2008 Posts: 6

I am doing ok.
My wife is about to go on her vacation tomorrow with a close friend. She is very excited. She has not been on a vacation in 8 years (since our honeymoon). I hope she enjoys herself and can just relax.

I want to go away too, but I have not been able to contact a friend that is able to take the time off or has the funds to go. I may just do it alone. I think an good adventure tour will do me good.

My wife is still trying to figure out what she is going to do. The last "talk" we had I told her to take her time and really think about what she wants. Our mortgage comes up for renewal in July and I will be selling the house around that time so that I can renew the mortgage on a new, but smaller house (it is such a nice house too). So she has a few months to decide where she wants her life to go. I am using this time and dedicating it to making myself and my daughter happy. I have started a new career path in Life Coaching and should have by certification done by the end of the year.

I am leaving it up to my wife to decide if she wants to work on "us". She has to start the process and actively engage me in it. I will meet her half way if she really tries. We are getting along very well as friends and I am making her pull her own weight with things. I no longer cook all the meals for the family, I make her cook it with me. I no longer pay the majority of the bills, anything that is her "personal" bill she pays for now. I do my own laundry and the majority of my daughters, my wife is responsible for hers. I make sure my wife gets our daugher bathed and ready for bed atleast 2 times a week instead of me doing it all the time. I also take 1-2 nights a week to go out and do something, usually jui jitsu and going over to a friends house. I make sure she has two nights to do the same.

WOW. There are a lot of "I" statements in there, but I have learned I need some of those in my life. Too much time has been spent on other people and not enough on myself.

My life is going to change, with or without her in it. That is a simple fact. But I am going to make sure the change is a positive one and enriches my life and that of my daughter's. Everything that has happened in the last year has happened for a reason. I believe this to be true. I believe I needed a wake up call. This experience will help me in the future because I have learned from my mistakes and the mistakes my wife has made.

Thanks again for helping me through all of this. It is great to hear the stories from the other perspective. My wife is a very good person and she deserves everything she dreams for in life. I know this because I deserve them for myself and I am just deserving as she is.

Smile

Alan

Jeremy C · New User Joined: 25 Jan 2008 Posts: 4

After reading your post all I can say is good for you. You sound like your head is on straight, and you are ensuring that your main priority is love, but in the end you are making sure that you have set yourself straight on the fact that you have put her first and you are NOT going to beat yourself up. I applaud you and your postion. You are continuing to love the woman you married. Know that this is not in vain. There will come a time when she will understand that no matter how terrible her situation, YOU and your love for her are the constant. Not ANYONE else. She is most likely awash in a sea of confusion, and this is of little suprise considering the situation. Love her the best way you know how. That is all you can do.

Jeremy

In · Posted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 9:50 am Post subject: Re: Marriage after cancer.

adognamedkat.

Hope you get this. or the notification...

How is things? Let me know whats been happening and how you are? (PM me if you wish to, instead of on thread)
_________________
Thinking of you Inica

*Administrator*

~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~

My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731

Smile

9 Lives and still kicking Smile

adognamedkat · New User Joined: 15 Jan 2008 Posts: 6

An unfortunate update:

My wife has chosen to end our marriage. During her struggle with cancer came new found independance and strength. She has also come to the conclusion that I was putting much more into our relationship than she was and would rather live on her own and find herself.

We never went to counseling (her choice) and all my efforts to try and patch our relationship have failed. I was very upset and angry with her but I now realize this is a life choice she has made. I may not agree with this choice or a lot of the choices she is currently making but it is her life and not mine.

My main focus is on myself and my daughter. I never wanted to be divorced and never wanted my daughter to have to experience divorce like I did as a child. But I am going to make my life and hers the best I can. One this is for sure... I deserve better than this. I feel for my wife and all that she went through, but I was there with her and she gave up on us. If a relationship can be easily thrown away it was never truely love and I think she was right... I was putting much more effort into the relationship than she was.

So I have picked up the pieces and forged on. We are selling our house and I have my eye on a new one that I really like. I am taking courses for a career change so that I can finally say "I love my job". I have lost 30 lbs through diet and excersise and I am in the best shape of my life. I took a solo trip to Cuba to relax (most of which was paid for from my lose change jar!). I have set clear personal longterm goals with small milestone markers through out and I have been successfully reaching them.

Like I said I feel for my wife and wish things were different. But I am also amazed at how I have overcome this drastic blow to my life. I hope she can somehow draw strength from my example and make herself happy and get to where she wants to be. I can no longer help her on this journey but, for my daughter's sake and hers, I hope she makes it.

Thanks again to all of you who lent a supportive message. I really appriciate it. If I have learned one thing from this experience it is to make sure you get help as soon as you can. Cancer is a very scary thing and the more help you have the better you will be at overcoming all that it throws at you. This goes for patients, family, and friends. I wish you all the very best and all the happiness you can get in your lives.

Smile

brainman · Posted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 4:00 pm Post subject: Re: Marriage after cancer.

adognamedkat, your wife's decision is very unfortunate. Cancer can be such a life re-evaluation experience. It does sound like you are trying to adjust to her decision.

Are you going to share custody of your daughter or is she going to live primarily with you? It is important that you attend to your daughter's needs right now. If your wife is leaving your daughter in your care, your daughter might feel abandoned by the person she identifies with the most... at least in terms of gender.

Best wishes.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

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