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In
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Joined: 18 Jul 2007
Posts: 1446
Location: AUSTRALIA
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 Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 6:31 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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(not for the easily offended)
(sexual, jokes)
Social security sex
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session,
"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him and replied, "You're never home!"
CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small,
$6,500 for "medium, and $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him
to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
"She'd rather remodel the kitchen."
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their
40th wedding anniversary. The husband yelled, "When you die, I'm getting
you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'
WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said,
"This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.
ELDERLY SEX
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found
her 92 year-old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony
of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder,
the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, "Yes, your honor. I figured that at 92, if he could have sex...he could also fly."
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
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In
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| Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2008 6:56 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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ksplat
Super Moderator
Joined: 26 Apr 2007
Posts: 575
Location: Brisbane, Australia
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| Posted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 6:16 pm Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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A young blonde woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end
her life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge. She went down to the
bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young
sailor
saw her tottering on the edge of the Bridge crying.
He took pity on her and said "Look, you have so much to live for. "I'm
off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my
ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving
closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you
happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. "After all, what do I have to lose?" Perhaps a fresh
start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From
then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit,
and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the
captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an
arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away" she explained,
"I get food and free passage to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Manly Ferry."
_________________
Brother diagnosed with GBMIV Feb 07
Treatment: Radiotherapy, Temodal, Gliadel Wafers, Dexamethasone, Keppra, Dilantin, Clexane
Went to our Heavenly Father after a 19mth battle,, 47 years young.
23 Sep 2008
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=19227
"Without Faith We Have Nothing" |
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ksplat
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Joined: 26 Apr 2007
Posts: 575
Location: Brisbane, Australia
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| Posted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 6:17 pm Post subject: Re: Jokes |
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Nymphomaniac Convention
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New
York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful
woman
boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward
his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to
the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever
seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for
nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded."I use
my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American
men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is
that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of
Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all
categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry,"
she said "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even
know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me
Paddy."
_________________
Brother diagnosed with GBMIV Feb 07
Treatment: Radiotherapy, Temodal, Gliadel Wafers, Dexamethasone, Keppra, Dilantin, Clexane
Went to our Heavenly Father after a 19mth battle,, 47 years young.
23 Sep 2008
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=19227
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In
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| Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 5:59 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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lmao- good on ya, Angie.
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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In
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| Posted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 8:57 pm Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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Jim's (brainman's) definition of a cat scan and Pet scan-
A Cat scan is when then run a cat over your body the see if the cat finds any cancer (cats are very intuitive about these things). A pet scan is when they take your own pet (dog, cat, bird, fish....) and pass it over your body to see if your pet finds anything (based on the assumption that your pet probably knows you better than even your spouse or parent and can therefore detect a change in you).
I hope this explanation helps. 
* i had to share it. 
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
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~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
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In
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| Posted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 9:00 pm Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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Whats a Toodles Scan ? Anyone know ? A friend asked me....*raised eyebrow*
And dared me to post it- so I did. (never could ignore a dare)
_________________
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*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
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~Continous Cervical Cancer~
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Toodles
Regular
Joined: 07 Nov 2007
Posts: 15
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| Posted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 9:09 pm Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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| It is when a Toodles puts his butt on a photocopier and checks the scan for any abnormalities |
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In
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| Posted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 9:10 pm Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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hehehe- good one- i was waiting for something else... 
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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In
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| Posted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 4:20 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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You got to love this guy... They sayThis is a true story about a recent
wedding that took place at Clemson University . It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank
his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone
a special gift just from him.
So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, 'f@#$% you!' Then he turned to his bride and said, 'F@#$ you!'
Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said,
'I'm outta here.'
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.
While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.
Then Enjoying the honeymoon in Maui for four weeks.
This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless'
commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception
for 300 family members and
friends: $32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the
Occasion: $3,000
Deluxe four-week
honeymoon accommodations
in Maui : $8,500.
The look on everyone's face
when they see the 8x10 glossy
of the bride humping the best
man: Priceless.
There are some things money
can't buy, for everything else
there's MASTERCARD
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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In
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| Posted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 4:27 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ALONG!!!!
Aussie weight lost Program.
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 kg. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing
and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four
days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and
is delighted to find he has lost 10 kg. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 KG program. The next daythere's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers
that he has lost another 20 KG. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the
7-day/50 KG program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most
rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in
years."
The next day there's a
knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your arse is mine."
He lost 63 KG that week!!
(Not to offend anyone- just a harmless joke)
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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In
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| Posted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 4:29 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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Dust if you must.......
Dusting
Remember...a layer of dust protects the Wood beneath it.
"A house becomes a home when you can write "I love you" on the furniture ."
I used to spend at least 8 hours every weekend making sure things were just perfect - "in case someone came over"
Finally I realized one day that no-one came over; they were all out living life and having fun!
NOW, when people visit, I don't have to explain the "condition" of my home .
They are more interested in hearing about the things I've been doing while I was away living life and having fun.
If you haven't figured this out yet, please heed this advice.
Life is short. Enjoy it!
Dust if you must.......
but wouldn't it be better to paint a picture or write a letter,
bake cookies or a cake and lick the spoon or plant a seed,
ponder the difference between want and need?!
Dust if you must, but there's not much time . . . .
with beer to drink, rivers to swim and mountains to climb ,
music to hear and books to read, friends to cherish and life to lead.
Dust if you must,
but the world's out there with the sun in your eyes,
the wind in your hair,
a flutter of snow, a shower of rain.
This day will not come around, again.
Dust if you must,
but bear in mind, old age will come and it's not kind. . .
And when you go - and go you must - you, yourself will make more dust!
Share this with all the wonderful friends in your life.
I JUST DID.
It's not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you have lived.
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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In
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| Posted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 4:34 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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An oldie- but a goodie.
The best kind of friend
Is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with,
Never say a word, and then walk away
Feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it,
But it's also true that we don't know
What we've been missing until it arrives.
Giving someone all your love
Is never an assurance that they'll love you back!
Don't expect love in return;
Just wait for it to grow in their heart
But if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours.
It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone,
An hour to like someone,
And a day to love someone,
But it takes a lifetime to forget someone.
Don't go for looks; they can deceive.
Don't go for wealth; even that fades away.
Go for someone who makes you smile
Because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.
Find the one that makes your heart smile.
May you have
Enough happiness to make you sweet,
Enough trials to make you strong,
Enough sorrow to keep you human,
Enough hope to make you happy.
Always put yourself in others' shoes.
If you feel that it hurts you,
It probably hurts the other person, too
The happiest of people
Don't necessarily have the best of everything;
They just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
Happiness lies for those who cry,
Those who hurt, those who have searched,
And those who have tried,
For only they can appreciate the importance of people
Who have touched their lives.
When you were born, you were crying
And everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so that when you die,
You're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.
Please send this message
To those people who mean something to you,
To those who have touched your life in one way or another,
To those who make you smile when you really need it,
To those that make you see the brighter side of things
When you are really down,
To those who you want to let them know
That you appreciate their friendship.
And if you don't, don't worry,
Nothing bad will happen to you,
You will just miss out on the opportunity
To brighten someone's day with this message...
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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In
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 5:59 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2 : The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answe r This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
If you agree, pass it on.
If you can read this - Thank a teacher!
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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In
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 6:02 am Post subject: Re: Jokes- |
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Ummm, not sure if i have done this one already- but still a goodie. - in
Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
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RAC Motoring Services
Caller: Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: 'Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ): 'If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
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Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.
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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland
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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'
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Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
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Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
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Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.
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There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f....ing stupid to own a computer!
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
9 Lives and still kicking |
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