What would you do, need advise on Father dying of cancer...

Ladydi · New User Joined: 27 Jun 2008 Posts: 3

Very sadly my Father is finally loosing his battle with cancer. He’s been given a couple of weeks to live. The thing though is that he doesn’t know. To try to surmise what has happened without writing an essay is difficult so bear with me. He has been diagnosed with cancer three times. Firstly a melanoma, then bowel cancer for which he had a very tough time with surgeries and recovery and had a temporary colostomy placed and finally this time liver cancer. He was diagnosed with this two months ago. However the prognosis was good or so we were all led to believe. Last Monday week he was admitted with severe pain and a swelling around his bum. He became very ill very quickly, septicaemia set in and we were told that his organs had started to fail. They bought him to surgery and found an abscess and drained it, however they found more tumours. As a result that whole area has been left open and another colostomy has been placed. As far as my Father is concerned now that he has come too a bit and isn’t as drugged, is that the bag is temporary until the lower regions heal and that he’s going to go back on chemo and everything’s going to be fine. The surgeons feel its best not to overwhelm him with the devastating news at this point. The news being that the cancer is extremely aggressive and that it’s all only palliative care.. We feel the same but he’s starting to ask questions and its awful lying to him and sitting there knowing that he only has weeks to live and he doesn’t know. I would love advise from people as to what they would do. If my Father knew he would just wilt away and die right away we think, but I’m afraid if the time comes where he cops on he’ll be so mad with us for lying to him. I really don’t know what we should do……He’s only 60 its so unfair….

wishIcoulddosomething · New User Joined: 12 Feb 2008 Posts: 7

I do understand how you are feeling. However, I would recommend telling him as soon as possible. If it was I who only had a few weeks to live, I would want to know for many reasons. One, I would want to make sure that I said all the important things that I wanted to say to my loved ones and friends while I still have my mental facilities and am physically able to do them. There would probably be financial affairs that I would want to put in order. Plus, maybe I would want to make some decisions about how I'm going to live my last few weeks (at home, at a hospice facility, wherever...etc.). He may deteriorate faster or he may rally to get some things done...either way it should be his decision. This is such a hard thing to do...share this news with him and then have to watch your loved one go downhill and then leave you. My heart goes out to you and your family. I lost a loved one on April 22, 2008. It is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

My prayers are with you and your family,

Diane
_________________
Wishing the best for all who are dealing with cancer themselves or in their family.

Diane

Ex-husband diagnosed April 2006 Stage 4 - mets to liver, treatments FOLFOX & FOLFIRI & ERBITUX - responded to treatment for awhile, lost his battle with cancer on April 22, 2008.

hopeful · Regular Joined: 27 May 2008 Posts: 30

Hello

I'm very sorry to hear about your father's prognosis. I will say a prayer for you.

I would let your father know because it is his life and he has a right to know. I am going through this as well. My loved one was recently diagnosed, started treatment, but brain mets is preventing further treatment. Our oncologist broke the news in a gentle way without putting a "time" on it. He suggested stopping treatment as it was too far gone and that his time left to him should be spent with family, rather than being sick from the side effects of treatment. My loved one understood exactly what the dr was saying and is spending time with family, making decisions about hospice, etc. and we are all living openly and honestly with one another. It still hurts and is not comfortable, but it is better to be honest. I'll pray for you.

Ladydi · New User Joined: 27 Jun 2008 Posts: 3

Thank you all for your advise. On one hand I totally agree with you, on the other hand I think that if he's not going to get back out of hospital and slowly slip away I sort of wonder whats the point in telling him. It will devastate him that he'll never get to see his house and garden that he loves so much again and so many other things. Is he not better off not knowing in this sort of senario?

brainman

Ladydi, I am very sorry for your father's cancer. He probably already knows or suspects the truth. All that the silence keeps you from being able to do is to say "Goodbye" to him and to give him a chance to say "Goodbye" to you. Do you want to let your last memories to be about lies or love?

You and your father are in my thoughts and prayers.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendroglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

robertacastello · Regular Joined: 02 Jul 2008 Posts: 22

Hi LadyDi,

I would tell him. I know it's terrible just to imagine breaking this kind of news, but he must set his spirit right and prepare himself in all the possible ways (by saying goodbye, putting his things in order, finding aceptance). I also think that you will be able to enjoy those moments with him much better if you don't carry that burden of the lie. I know it's for the good and you mean no harm, but you know how our minds works...
I'm praying for you.
Love
Roberta

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