need advice on relocating surviving family to new home

Anticipation · New User Joined: 01 Jul 2008 Posts: 8

hello,

this is my first post to the board so be gentle. i post here because i don't know where else to turn. i also apologize if any of this sounds cold but you need to know i come from a 'survivor' perspective in a sense who has little to no emotional tie to the victim. i'm guessing that at least one person here will be able to identify.

the love of my life is now watching her husband die from one the worst cancers i've read about. he has now been given 6-8 weeks which is sadly optimistic. she was preparing to divorce him in the weeks leading up to the diagnosis last year however after it, i walked away so she could take care of him. it's a long and strange story that i won't go into here. i have known her for nearly 20 years. in the end, when he has passed, i will be joining her to help raise their two little girls of 5 and 10. i have no children of my own so this will be new and exciting, but scary territory for me.

my primary question for now regards the girls. my one deal breaker is that i can't move to where they are. to do so would mean i give up everything i know as my life. i have to stay where i am (new england state). they live in a small southern town that is a few hundred miles removed from any major city. i on the other hand, while having spent many years in that area, live in the region of the greatest city in the world. to say i'm incredibly reluctant to go back is a gross understatement.

so the question is: can they handle a move like i'd require? this is 2 july. the plan as i see it is to have the eldest go through the next school year completely with her best friend as her mom has already set up down there with the principal. they would split naturally after that anyway as there is/was a plan to move out the current house and into a new/better school district for middle school after this upcoming school year. the youngest i can't imagine would have any school ties at this point. they would move up here around july/august of '09 - a nice slow process that allows us to get to know each other over time. does it sound reasonable to move them from, not so much what they know now in terms of neighborhood since that would change anyway, but the world they think they know? i believe they can handle the move just fine but i'm biased. i've done it already. are kids as resilient as i give them credit for being? or, am i simply asking too much? my opinion is that they'd be energized by the move and benefit beyond anything they could imagine by what the nyc tri-state has to offer over the years however i am, again, biased. they've visited nyc twice already and loved each trip.

i'd really appreciate some honest feedback. i've looked for advice on parenting-type sites but they all deal with divorce mainly or lump in death with divorce (which i find patently wrong even if there are some similarities). they also limit discussion to a spouse simply starting to date again and how & when to introduce the children into the equation which isn't the case here.

Vee Smith · Moderator Joined: 12 Feb 2006 Posts: 817 Location: UK

Hi - it sounds a desperately difficult thing to decide.

Without knowing the relationship between the children and their father, my instinct is to say that the children may well need time to adjust to loosing him, and a move suddenly to a new place might be one thing too much. Children's grieving can be less obvious than that of adults, and can go very deep, coming out later in life in various forms of anger.

Anticipation · New User Joined: 01 Jul 2008 Posts: 8

thanks for the reply vee. i think you touched on something i didn't express so i'll add it here. what would constitute 'sudden','immediate', or 'too quick'. obviously, to me a year isn't sudden and seems adequate because i'm and adult and haven't experienced this type of trauma. is it/would it be to them? i admit fully that i have no idea. i want to do right by them the best i can. the eldest girl has a strong tie with her father (a bit of a tomboy), the youngest leans more towards her mother (extreme girly girl).

oh, and i should add, overall this guy is a great father to his girls. i have no reason to doubt that they both will miss him dearly. we're not talking about some workaholic absent dad.

Vee Smith · Moderator Joined: 12 Feb 2006 Posts: 817 Location: UK

I quite see the problem about what constitutes sudden in this situation.

With a ten-year old, it ought to be possible to include her in decisions about what to do. It is particularly important if she is attached to her father. Unfortunately there is no way to say in advance how much a child will react to loss of a parent. Keeping the older one in the picture will help. The younger one, at five, will probably take a move more easily.

I rather hope you will get replies from others with a more personal knowledge of child bereavement.

Anticipation · New User Joined: 01 Jul 2008 Posts: 8

hmmm...that's an interesting angle i hadn't considered but i think you're right. ten is young but she's juuuuust about the age where her opinion should be considered. if she was mid to late teens that would be a no brainer but until you posted that i hadn't given it a thought.

brainman

Hi Anticipation,

I think both of the children could move to be with you very easily IF that was the only issue. But they need time and space to grieve with their mother. It would be very hard for them to accept you in their lives any time soon. Give them time. Work with their mother to help them to grieve and adjust to their new reality. It might take at least a year to be ready for another major change in their lives.
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1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendroglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
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JLC · Regular Joined: 18 May 2008 Posts: 23

My mother passed away June 5 of pancreatic cancer. My family has been planning a cross country move for a year now. We have suspended those plans indefinately now because my children (3 and 12) just can't handle it so soon after the loss of their grandmother. I have done a considerable amount of reading about how to help them through the grieving process and almost everything I have read says to wait at least two years before making any major life changes if at all possible.

I have also experienced a divorce with my oldest child, and let me tell you he still feels the effects eight years later. The death of a parent is far more traumetizing than a divorce where they can still see the parent who has left.

You say you have no children, and it is obvious that you are concerned for these girls. You asked for honesty so I am going to give it to you. You mention in your post that you have a deal breaker and things that you require. Do these girls have any deal breakers or requirements? Are they aware of your relationship with their mother? You are talking about moving them from a small, rural community to a major metropolitan area which is a major life changing event under normal circumstances. You also sound a little clueless about their day to day life. Where you say that you can't imagine the 5YO having any school ties at this point is a clue for me. She may, or may not, have ties to a school yet, but she certainly has ties to her home. I can see the potential here for resentment and anger towards you and their mother. I can see them viewing the situation as you two just waiting for their father to be out of the picture. Since you have no children of you own, let me say that kids view things much differently than adults do and they will use their own special brand of logic to define things that they can't understand. At the same time this could be just what they need. But I don't know the situation well enough to say either way.

I will say this. These girls are losing their father forever. That cannot be downplayed or underestimated. This experience will change their lives forever. They are children and their needs come first.

Anticipation · New User Joined: 01 Jul 2008 Posts: 8

wow. thanks so much jlc. that's the kinda thing i was looking for. i'm sorry to hear about your mother.

you're absolutely right when you say i'm clueless about their day to day life. yeah i know they play softball, soccer and like going to the pool but that's really all i know. no, they do not know about me yet. i mean the more i read the more it seems like just that part will take a year or more all by itself.

i called my need to stay a deal-breaker only to convey how serious it is to me but really it's not black or white. i really wanted to see if holding on to that need with both hands is an unreasonable expectation for me to have. the general consensus in just three posts suggest to me that it is indeed too hardcore. that's a big help to me. at least now i know i need to reconsider that and refactor it into the equation.

btw, mom and i have agreed not to discuss anything regarding the future until 'after' which is why i can't give any specifics really. i've instead been keeping a log of sorts to record questions i have as i think of them, ideas, thoughts of the day re: her and the girls. i'm trying to be as prepared as i can be.

Anticipation · New User Joined: 01 Jul 2008 Posts: 8

if anyone else has an opinion even if counter to the ones already expressed please feel free to post it. i'm interested in all opinions even ones that run counter to what i believed at the time of my original post. trust me, the landscape before me is unknown territory and therefore i have no ego to bruise.

JLC · Regular Joined: 18 May 2008 Posts: 23

I think it is very cool that you are interested in how they will adjust and how this will affect them. It says a lot that you are willing to ask strangers on the internet.

Anticipation · New User Joined: 01 Jul 2008 Posts: 8

again many thanks jlc. how the girls adjust is more important to me than how me and their mom are. we will be fine with whatever we work out. i know enough to know that i don't know much about kids even though my mom has been an elementary school teacher for nearly 30 years. their father is really a model father and i'm hoping to do my best to honor him for them. i know it's strange but i really don't see him as a rival or competitor. that time has passed. i'm unable to meet him given the recent past unfortunately. i've asked in the past and once recently for a meeting in an attempt to come to a meeting of the minds but the mother is too fearful of such an event. with the timeline given i've told her i will respect that and not ask again.

my point in telling you that is that i turn to teh intarwebs since i can't turn to him direct.

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