Dad's got cancer, Mum's gone nuts

robertacastello · Regular Joined: 02 Jul 2008 Posts: 22

Hi everyone,

I'm dealing with a bizarre situation in my family. My father was just diagnosed with lung cancer this week. He's going to have surgery in 2 days and, so far, the doctors are being very optimistic about removing the tumor and my dad's long time survival.
Of course, it's always a shock in the family when something like that happens, no one walks around expecting cancer to knock at your door and, obviously, we all get sad, emotional, angry, confused, etc. My mother has taken it to a whole new level, though. She's acting so selfishly, like she is the one with the disease. She whines all the time and her self pity and getting on the nerves. When we went to meet my dad at the hospital when he was diagnosed, all she could tell me was how she felt when he told her, that she felt sick, had to lie down, couldn't sleep anymore etc.
Then, she had a dog that was really old to the point she needed to be taken to eat, pee, and would cry during the night. She gave a high dose of clonazepan mixed with a sleeping pill to the dog, which survived. The next day, a friend of hers took the dog to be "put to sleep" without telling anyone. Now she is saying that she is taking al the burden alone...
I'm not a person to show emotions like that, when I'm with my father, we talk frankly about the disease and I try to cheer him up. I feel like it's not helpfull at all for him to have people feeling sorry for themselves next to him.
Have anyone experienced similar situations in the family?

ChemoMan

Hi Robert

The diagnosis of cancer is as stressful to the partners of cancer patients as it is to the patients themselves. This is normal and to be expected. Your mum will in all likely hood need as much counseling as your father, maybe even more. Please try and be understanding and perhaps spend some time with Mum talking about things, the way you do with Dad. If you can't do this, maybe you can encourage someone who knows Mum well to spend some time and talk. Maybe there is a support group for partners of cancer patients in the area that she could benefit from, as well.

Good luck and I hope things work out for you.
_________________
Age 51
Diffuse Large B cell Lymphoma
Stage 2a
Finished six cycles of R chop 21 26th May 2008
Officially in remission 9th July 2008

Anticipation · New User Joined: 01 Jul 2008 Posts: 8

robert,

i feel weird posting this because i'm coming at this from a 3rd person perspective but i'm fairly confident when i say what you're seeing is pretty normal.

me best friend for the last 20+ years has a husband who has very little time left. she has said over the last year very similar things that you've reported. in a sense, your mom is right. she has it as much as your dad. the physical manifestations of her fear over her husband are very likely real and not simply a self indulgent exercise. my friend has only been married to her husband for 12 years, and not even in the greatest of marriages, and yet even she has done the same thing. she feels alone and sick almost to the degree that her husband does. your mom is not attention whoring. she's scared to death.

i guess my main point is that it's not an act from what i've seen. she really is feeling these things. give her some time. heck, i know if this ever happened to my mom, my dad would be near useless. he's one of those ones who devoted himself completely to my mom. if she ever gets sick or goes before him, he'll be soon to follow.

robertacastello · Regular Joined: 02 Jul 2008 Posts: 22

Thanks guys!

My father is having his surgery tomorrow, I'll talk to her and try to calm her!

kytallgirl · New User Joined: 28 Jun 2008 Posts: 9

Hello...sorry to hear about your father and I pray his surgery goes well. I agree that what your Mom is doing is probably more "normal" then you think. My daughter in law has just been diagnosed with PNET. She lives in VA...me in KY. When I found out,,,i just couldn't beleive it! She's only 22 and has been married to my son for 2 & 1/2 yrs. Young and in love they never, EVER expected this! When I talk to other people, sometimes I wonder if I'm making this about ME! The truth is...everyone is effected and we all have to deal with it our own way. I have moments of pure FEAR! I have had several panic attacks and just can't breath sometimes! I have had to just give it all to God. There is nothing I can do. It's just the most helpless feeling in the world. I think your Mom will find her own way of dealing with this and so will you.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!

Sherron

pbj11 · Site Admin Joined: 12 May 2007 Posts: 1002

Roberta,

First welcome to the place that nobody wants to be. We are here to support you and I'm glad you are posting and asking questions. As you can see, many people have walked the same path and understand what is happening.

Family dynamics and people in general do get weird during times of stress. She is stunned and scared to death with this diagnosis, as most people are. I'm pretty blunt and to the point about things, so I'll say that, although this is also happening to your Mom, it isn't ABOUT her. Right now it's all about your Dad. Your Mom needs to have someone slap her upside the head (not literally) and tell her that she needs to suck it up for your Dad's sake. I'd hate for you to have to be the bad guy and tell her that, so maybe there is some friend or clergyman that can get this message across.

She also needs a place to vent, but in front of your Dad isn't the right place. Make sure she has a safe place/person to express her feelings. Perhaps suggest that she come to this board and she'll see how others cope with a loved one's diagnosis. I've always considered myself somewhat selfish and constantly checked myself during my husband's long journey with lung cancer. He handled his cancer with dignity and grace, so how could I be a whiny cry-baby about it? She needs to jump into full-support mode if she's going to be a good caregiver. Her needs WILL often come behind his, but that's what love is all about.

My best wishes on successful surgery for your Dad. I'm happy that he is a candidate for surgery -- that is a very hopeful sign.

Sorry you find yourself in this dilemma and I hope she snaps out of it soon for your Dad. YOU certainly are leading by example and God bless you for being such a wonderful daughter. Your approach is right on target and I'm sure your Dad appreciates it.

Many hugs,
PBJ
_________________
Husband diagnosed with NSCLC Stage IV. (Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer) Fought & lived 2 1/2 years with multiple lines of treatment.

Post describing our battle: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=7026&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

robertacastello · Regular Joined: 02 Jul 2008 Posts: 22

My father had his surgery today. It went well, they were able to remove the whole tumor, but they found a suspect lymphonode. Now he will probably have chemo afterwards, which he was fearing very much.
My mom was ok today, she was holding together in front of him, and I'm taking care of things like talking to the doctors and phoning family and friends to give the news so that she can put her head together. She was also very scared when I told her about the chemo, so I lied a little bit about it keep her cooler for a while. I'm sure that's no point of her worrying beforehand.
Anyway, now we know exatcly what we are dealing with here, and I'm feeling kind of relieved for that. At least we know more or less what to expect from now on.
I'm glad I found this forum, I feel that only people going through the same struggle can relate to that!

Anticipation · New User Joined: 01 Jul 2008 Posts: 8

that's really good news robert. let's hope they pound that lymph node and clean it up.

pbj went hardcore on you but i agree with his overall premise. as long as mom doesn't do it around dad it's probably fine. my friend keeps it together and shows a positive front in front of her husband and doesn't burden him with her pain as much as is realistically possible.

robertacastello · Regular Joined: 02 Jul 2008 Posts: 22

More good news. Dad already left the intensive care and it's not using the oxigen anymore. I guess he's a though cookie... Off to visit him now!

brainman

Roberta, this is indeed great news! Your father is a fighter and a survivor. I hope this is making it easier on your whole family.
_________________
Jim
Site Administrator and long-term cancer survivor
1992 Astrocytoma grade 2, left motor strip
2005 Recurrence this time said to be an Oligodendoglioma grade 3, same location.
My Story Part 1: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?p=7350
My Story Part 2: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=8029
Blog http://jimhawkinsport.blogspot.com/

robertacastello · Regular Joined: 02 Jul 2008 Posts: 22

Wow! It sure is! Tomorrow is his birthday and he is allowed to have some cake! He is very emotional right now but I guess that's pretty normal considering the stress he is going through. Lots of his friends (also doctors) went there to visit and said he new X rays are great, so that kept me really happy!

pbj11 · Site Admin Joined: 12 May 2007 Posts: 1002

Roberta,

Great news! A little mop-up detail with chemo and I hope he'll be good to go.

So glad he is in seemingly good spirits and will participate in his birthday celebration tomorrow.

Take care of yourself too during this time.

PBJ

Dear Anticipation,

Well, I said I was blunt and to the point. Very Happy

It's the Midwesterner in me! I don't tend to beat around the bush when it comes to the patient being the priority.

PBJ -- who is a "she". Wink

_________________
Husband diagnosed with NSCLC Stage IV. (Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer) Fought & lived 2 1/2 years with multiple lines of treatment.

Post describing our battle: http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=7026&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0

kytallgirl · New User Joined: 28 Jun 2008 Posts: 9

Hi Roberta...so very happy for your Dad and the whole family as well. The will to live can be an amazing healing tool! He's a fighter and with so much love and support he will continue to look forward and not back. I'm sorry the bulk of the responsibility has fallen on you but you seem to be the one to handle it best! Hang in there!
Happy Birthday to your Dad as well!

Blessing!

Sherron
DIL diagnosed with (pheriphal) P-NET April 2008

robertacastello · Regular Joined: 02 Jul 2008 Posts: 22

Hello everybody!

The latest news: dad was already at home for two days, but yesterday he went to the loo and tried it a bit to hard... now he's back to the hospital until monday because the effoert to poop created a complication in the surgery, fluid in the lungs i guess.
Anyway, he's behaving like a child. Wednesday he tried to run away from the hospital. The only reason he didn't was because my mom took his clothes home to bring him new ones and he decided not to take off in his PJs. He refuses to talk with the nurse that is taking care of him at home, refuses to eat most of things we give him (even the really tasty ones...) and is being really rude towards everybody. I guess the discomfort makes him really mad. He's not sleeping well, even taking sleeping pills and is not eating (cause he decided he hates everything).
The hard part is that we don't really know how to behave. We try to do everything possible to make him more comfortable but nothing seems to work. The most bizarre part is that there is a woman that works with him, also a doctor, and years ago there was a rumor they were having an affair. She visits him everyday. My mother keeps her cool for his sake, chats with her like she knew nothing, it's even funny, looks like a soap opera.
Anyway, off I am to the hospital today, yet again! I'll keep you posted!

	Cancer Forums Forum Index -> Coping and Support	All times are GMT - 5 Hours
Page 1 of 1

A website for discussions about any type of cancer, including lung cancer, breast cancer, mesothelioma, prostate cancer, laryngeal cancer, leukemia, lymphoma, multiple myeloma and others