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 Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 2:03 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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THE BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN
>
> Your Clothes:
> 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as
> your doctor confirms your pregnancy.
> 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as
> possible.
> 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
> ____________________________________________
> Preparing for the Birth:
> 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
> 2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that
> last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
> 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
> _________________________________________
> The Layette:
> 1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate
> them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
> 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean
> and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
> 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
> _________________________________________
> Worries:
> 1st baby: At the first sign of distress-a whimper, a frown-
> you pick up the baby.
> 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to
> wake your firstborn.
> 3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the
> mechanical swing..
> ____________________________________________________
> Dummy:
> 1st baby: If the dummy falls on the floor, you put it away
> until you can go home and wash and boil it.
> 2nd baby: When the dummy falls on the floor, you squirt it
> off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
> 3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
> _________________________________________
> Nappy Changing:
> 1st baby: You change your baby's nappy every hour, whether
> they need it or not.
> 2nd baby: You change their nappy every two to three hours,
> if needed.
> 3rd baby: You try to change their nappy before others start
> to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their
> knees
> ___________________________________________
> Activities:
> 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby
> Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
> 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
> 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry
> cleaner.
> ______________________________________________________
> Going Out:
> 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter,
> you call home five times.
> 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember
> to leave a number where you can be reached.
> 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if
> she sees blood.
> ________________________________________
> At Home:
> 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at
> the baby.
> 2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure
> your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
> 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the
> children.
> ------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> Swallowing Coins (a favourite):
> 1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child
> to the hospital and demand x-rays.
> 2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully
> watch for the coin to pass.
> 3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it
> from his allowance!
> __________________________________________
> Pass this on to everyone you know who has children . . . or
> everyone who KNOWS someone who has had children . . .
> (The older the mother, the funnier this is!)
> GRANDCHILDREN :
> God's reward for allowing your children to live.
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 2:05 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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To all my friends who have sent me
1. best 'wishes',
2. chain letters,
3. 'angel' letters; or
4. Other promises of good luck . . .
NONE OF THAT SH.....T HAS WORKED!
Could you please just send instead: -
· money, money, money
· wine
· chocolate; or
· airline tickets
Thank you!
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 2:11 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time...
A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar 'pay' she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again this week, too?'
The little girl replied, 'I will if those Arse Holes at Bunnings ever deliver the f...ing Gyprock...'
Kind of brings a tear to the eye, don't you think?
_________________
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*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 2:13 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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The 4th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human
body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be
asking fourth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents,
and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy is
she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,"Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part
that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued.
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 2:19 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!!
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
Good morning, said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes
of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
Go away,' said the old lady. 'I haven't got any money, I'm broke!'
As she proceeded to close the door, the young man wedged his foot in the
door and pushed wide open.
Don't be too hasty,' he said.' Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.
The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a real good appetite,
because they cut off my electricity this morning.
What part of broke do you not understand boy?'
MAN OF THE HOUSE
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE
THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'. He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and
announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this
house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight,
and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous
dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will
have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a
bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me
my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?
The wife replied, 'The freakin' funeral director would be my first guess.'....
_________________
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*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 2:20 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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TIPS ON FILLING YOUR CAR(S) (Good information)
here are some tricks to get more of your money's worth for every litre.
Only buy or fill up your car in the early morning when the ground
temperature is still cold.
Remember that all service stations have their storage tanks buried below
ground. The colder the ground the more dense the fuel, when it gets warmer
petrol expands, so buying in the afternoon or in the evening....your litre
is not exactly a litre. In the petroleum business, the specific gravity and
the temperature of the petrol, diesel and jet fuel, ethanol and other
petroleum products plays an important role. A 1-degree rise in temperature
is a big deal for this business. But the service stations do not have
temperature compensation at the pumps.
When you're filling up do not squeeze the trigger of the nozzle to a fast
mode.
If you look you will see that the trigger has three stages: low, middle,
and high. In slow mode you should be pumping on low speed, thereby
minimizing the vapours that are created while you are pumping. All hoses at
the pump have a vapour return. If you are pumping on the fast rate, some of
the liquid that goes to your tank becomes vapour. Those vapours are being
sucked up and back into the underground storage tank so you're getting less
value for your money.
One of the most important tips is to fill up when your tank is HALF FULL.
The reason for this is, the more fuel you have in your tank the less air
occupying its empty space. Petrol evaporates faster than you can imagine.
Petroleum storage tanks have an internal floating roof. This roof serves
as zero clearance between the petrol and the atmosphere, so it minimizes
the evaporation. Unlike service stations, here where I work, every truck
that we load is temperature compensated so that every litre is actually the
exact amount.
Another reminder, if there is a fuel truck pumping into the storage tanks
when you stop to buy, DO NOT fill up - most likely the petrol/diesel is
being stirred up as the fuel is being delivered, and you might pick up some
of the dirt that normally settles on the bottom.
Hope this will help you get the most value for your money.
Do share these tips with others!
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 2:21 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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Don't cheat, If you are honest, this tells the truth. It's pretty good. Write your answers on a piece of paper,
and NO cheating!! The answers are at the bottom.
1. Which is your favorite color out of: red , black , blue , green , or yellow ?
2. Your first initial?
3. Your month of birth?
4. Which color do you like more, black or white?
5. Name of a person of the same sex as yours.
6. Your favorite number?
7. Do you like Flying or Driving more?
8. Do you like a lake or the ocean more?
9. Write down a wish (a realistic one).
When you're done, scroll down. (Don't cheat!)
Answers
1. If you choose:
Red - You are alert and your life is full of love.
Black - You are conservative and aggressive.
Green - Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back.
Blue- You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love.
Yellow - You are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.
2. If your initial is:
A-K You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.
L-R You try to enjoy your life to the maximum & your love life is soon to blossom.
S-Z You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.
3. If you were born in:
Jan-Mar: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.
April-June: You will have a strong love relationship that will not last long but the memories will last forever.
July-Sep: You will have a great year and will experience a major life-changing experience for the good.
Oct-Dec: Your love life will not be great, but eventually you will find your soul mate.
4. If you chose:
Black: Your life will take on a different direction, it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.
White: You will have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.
5. This person is your best friend.
6. This is how many close friends you have in your lifetime.
7. If you chose:
Flying : You like adventure.
Driving: You are a laid back person.
8.. If you chose:
Lake: You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are very reserved.
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.
9. This wish will come true only if you send this to five people in one hour. Send it to ten people , and it will come true before your next birthday
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 2:22 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, LET ME!!
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew......
.
.
.
.
'Bastards won't let me fart.'
_________________
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~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 2:23 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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GIRLS IN MY CIRCLE
When I was little,
I used to believe in the concept of one best friend,
And then I started to become a woman.
And then I found out that if you allow your heart to open up,
God would show you the best in many friends.
One friend is needed when you're going through things with your man.
Another friend is needed when you're going through things with your mom.
Another will sit beside you in the bleachers as you delight in your children and their activities.
Another when you want to shop, share, heal, hurt, joke, or just be.
One friend will say, 'Let's cry together,'
Another, 'Let's fight together,'
Another, 'Let's walk away together.'
One friend will meet your spiritual need,
Another your shoe fetish,
Another your love for movies,
Another will be with you in your season of confusion,
Another will be your clarifier,
Another the wind beneath your wings.
But whatever their assignment in your life,
On whatever the occasion,
On whatever the day,
Or wherever you need them to meet you with their gym shoes on and hair pulled back,
Or to hold you back from making a complete fool of yourself ..
Those are your best friends.
It may all be wrapped up in one woman,
But for many, it's wrapped up in several..
One from 7th grade,
One from high school,
Several from the college years,
A couple from old jobs,
On some days your mother,
On some days your neighbor,
On others, your sisters,
And on some days, your daughters.
So whether they've been your friend for 20 minutes or 20 years,
AND ONLY IF YOU'D LIKE TO,
Pass this on to the women that God has placed in your life
To make a difference.
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 2:24 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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Do you need a laugh??
What Religion is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's
and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said,
'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '
' What type of bra?'
asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,'
said the saleslady,
as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour
and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'
Relieved, the man asked
about the types.
The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic,
the Salvation Army,
the Presbyterian,
and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled,
the man asked about
the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded,
'It is all really quite simple. ...
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.'
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used
to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why,
but couldn't figure out
what the letters stood for,
it is about time
you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!...
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!...
{E} Enormous!...
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen
and I can't get up!...
Send this to
all that will appreciate it!
They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 2:25 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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A Wonderful Story:
Anyone who has pets will really like this. You'll like it even if you don't, and may decide you need one.
BUDDY.......
Jim and Mary's dog Buddy was a real character. Whenever Jim and Mary had company come for a weekend visit they would warn their friends to not leave their luggage open because Buddy would help himself to whatever struck his fancy.
Inevitably, someone would forget, and something would come up missing. Mary or Jim would go to Buddy's toy box in the basement and there the treasure would be, amid all of Buddy's favourite toys. Buddy always stashed his finds in his toy box and he was very particular that his toys stay in the box.
It happened that Mary found out she had breast cancer. She felt she was going to die of this disease — she was just sure it was fatal. The double mastectomy was scheduled , and Mary felt fear riding on her shoulders.
The night before she was to go to the hospital she cuddled with Buddy.
A thought struck her...what would happen to Buddy?
Although the three-year-old dog liked Jim, he was Mary's dog through and through. “If I die, Buddy may feel abandoned” although she knew her husband Jim would really take good care of him, Buddy won't at first understand that I didn't want to leave him and this thought made her sad but she knew he would not be alone.
The double mastectomy was harder on Mary than her doctors had anticipated and Mary was hospitalised for over two weeks. Jim took Buddy for his walk faithfully, but the little dog just drooped, whining and miserable.
Finally the day came for Mary to leave the hospital. When she arrived home, Mary was so exhausted she couldn't even make it up the steps to her bedroom. Jim made his wife comfortable on the couch and left her to nap. Buddy stood watching Mary but he didn't come to her when she called. It made Mary sad but sleep soon overcame her and she dozed.
When Mary woke for a second she couldn't understand what was wrong. She couldn't move her head and her body felt heavy and hot. But panic soon gave way to laughter when Mary realized the problem...
She was covered, literally blanketed, with every treasure Buddy owned! While she had slept, the sorrowing dog had made trip after trip to the basement bringing his beloved mistress all his favourite things in life. He had covered her with his love.
Mary forgot about dying and she prayed instead and then she and Buddy began living again, walking further and further together every day.
It's been 12 years now and Mary is still cancer-free. Buddy? He still steals treasures and stashes them in his toy box but Mary remains his greatest treasure.
Live every day to the fullest and put meaning into it . Remember it is a blessing from God.
The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care.
Even acquaintances can become good friends when you take an interest and care for them, and they may respond but even if they don't as you give you will receive...
Remember even your closest friends were once strangers.
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 2:27 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'
'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
'Try it now,' said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?
The bee answered,
Wait for it….wait for it…………..
You're just gonna love this…..
BP- (Petrol Company)
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~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 2:31 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Brad, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Brad waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Brad gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Brad was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
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TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Brad made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Brad's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.
Brad was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Brad put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Brad told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY :
Brad was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Brad took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
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FRIDAY :
I hate that Brad more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.
Brad wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
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SATURDAY :
Brad left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY :
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 2:34 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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A husband and wife are doing their grocery shopping.
The man picks up a case of beer and sticks in into the shopping cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans', he says.
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and sticks it into the cart.
'Whoa, what do you think you're doing?' asks the man.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.
The man replies...'SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER, AND IT'S HALF THE PRICE!!!
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 2:34 am Post subject: Re: Jokes 2. |
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Tips for Handling Telemarketers
> >
> > Three Little Words That Work !!
> >
> > (1)The three little words are: 'Hold On, Please...'
> >
> > Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off
> > (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call
> > so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a
> > halt.
> >
> > Then when you eventually hear the phone company's
> > 'beep-beep-beep' tone, you know it' s time to go back and hang up your
> > handset, which has efficiently completed its task.
> >
> > These three little words will help eliminate telephone
> > soliciting.
> >
> >
> > (2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the
> > other end?
> >
> > This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone
> > calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.
> >
> >
> > This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a
> > 'real' sales person to call back and get someone at home.
> >
> > What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one
> > there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6
> > or 7 times , as quickly as possible This confuses the machine that
> > dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh,
> > what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer !!!
> >
> > (3) Junk Mail Help:
> > When you get 'ads' enclosed with your phone or utility bill,
> > return these 'ads' with your payment. Let the sending companies throw
> > their own junk mail away.
> >
> > When you get those 'pre-approved' letters in the mail for
> > everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do
> > not throw away the return envelope.
> >
> > Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It
> > costs them more than the regular 41 cents postage 'IF' and when they
> > receive them back.
> >
> > It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was
> > around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the
> > weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail
> > and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.
> >
> > One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas.
> > Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express.
> > Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that
> > day, then just send them their blank application back!
> > If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't
> > on anything you send them.
> >
> > You can even send the envelope back e mpty if you want to just to
> > keep them guessing! It still costs them 41 cents.
> >
> > The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot
> > of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM
> > them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and
> > best of all they're paying for it...Twice!
> >
> > Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying
> > that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they
> > need to increase postage costs again You get the idea !
> >
> > If enough people follow these tips, it will work ---- I have been
> > doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.
_________________
Thinking of you Inica
*Administrator*
~Nose Cancer~
~Car Accident- Broken Back, Ribs, Spleen
Sternum~
~Continous Cervical Cancer~
My Story-
http://cancerforums.net/viewtopic.php?t=6731
9 Lives and still kicking |
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