I'm so scared

lisah · Regular Joined: 02 May 2005 Posts: 15

Hi. A few weeks ago I began getting really bad pains in my stomach. I was oriaginally told it was gastroenteritis. I had a ultrasound to be told I had a large tumour on my kidney, that I had kidney cancer and would have to have my kidney taken out. that was tuesday of last week. on wednesday i had a CT scan which on thursday, my 35th birthday i was told it was in my bowel and a few lymph nodes were swollen. i went into hospital on friday to have a biopsy.
ive been told that i either have lymphona or kidney caner; although it would be very unusual for me to have kidney cancer and that it is most likely lymphoma.
ive gotta wait for my results until the end of this week and im in hell. im so scared. im 35, im a police officer and i was just getting my life sorted out. this has hit me like a tonne of bricks and although im trying to stay positive, telling myself i can fight this and survive this i am sooooo scared. i cant die, not this way. i just need some advice and some others who have been though this. im so lost and scared. Lisa

btgoss · Regular Joined: 31 Mar 2005 Posts: 20

Hi Lisa,
I fully understand what you are going through, as I am sure many others in this forum do.
I was diagnosed last year, but my tumor had been discovered during a pre-surgical screening for a back surgery I was going to have. From the time the tumor was discovered until it was diagnosed it was almost 3 months. During that time I had many tests, and finally I had to my chest cracked to get at th tumor, (it was located right in the middle of my chest). At that time I was told I have Lymphoblastic Lymphoma. Normally a childhood cancer, but I am young at heart so I guess it was to be expected.

The waiting is the hardest part. So my suggestions to you is to get yourself to you doctor and get some tests done as soon as possible. First there are some blood tests that can be done that may indicate if you have cancer. If these tests are negative I would still recommend getting a biopsy of the mass. Although these tests are sometimes not perfect, it is better then having surgery to biopsy the mass. If your doctor is not willing to get these tests done, I would recommend finding another doctor.

In my case my first oncologist was moving too slow, and my surgeon over ruled him, scheduled my surgery and found me a more agressive oncologist.

Your doctor may also want to get a bone marrow scan, while this is not fun, it will help to rule out the occurance of any cancer in your bone marrow, which is a good thing.

But most of all try not to lose hope. You can be afraid, only an insane person would not be afraid, heck I'm afraid every morning and just about every time someone sneezes around me, but you just have to get focused on the goal.

Your goal is going to be to fight this, and do anything and everything in your power to help yourself to get well.

I am one year out of having been diagnosed, and while I am still in maintenence chemo, and still have my good days and bad days, I am still here. The last PET scan I had showed no sign of cancer, and I hope to see that result repeated fairly soon. So you can fight and have a victory. It is far from hopeless.

Before I found forums like this I disovered that a friend had a cancer battle. He never shared this with me at the time, but now five years later he is doing fine, and going to get married. Success stories like this are not at all uncommon. So please don't lose hope. That is the one thing you can't allow to happen.

I hope you get all the information you need from your doctor, and then whatever the outcome keep fighting.

Good luck,
Brian

lisah · Regular Joined: 02 May 2005 Posts: 15

Brian

Thank you so much for your reply. I had a biopsy on Friday last and am just waiting to see what the result is. I've been assured 100% by my doctor that this is cancer; the biopsy was to find out which kind. My fear is that that tell me its gone too far and can't be treated - stupid I know as this has gotta be very rear, I'm supposed to find out today or tomorrow.

In my mind I know I have to fight this and I've heard and read so many positive things about people surviving and winning this fight. I have got to live, I so have to get through this. I will win this fight.

I'm just so scared and it has helped me so much getting this reply from you; you have been here and you are winning. I feel so helpless and so scared, I'm 35 and feel so angry at being told this news. This has been the worst and longest week of my life and all I want now is to begin to fight this so I can get my normal life back.

Thankyou again so much for your reply, I need to have contact with other people who have been in this place I'm now in.

Lisa

btgoss · Regular Joined: 31 Mar 2005 Posts: 20

Hi Lisa,
I am glad I could help. And trust me, being angry is ok, just like being scared.
I was 36 when we found my tumor, and my wife and I had just had our first child. We had to go through years of infertility treatment, and just when we had reached the end of what we could afford, God blessed us with our son (I hope this is archived so years from now when he wrecks the family car I remember that I called him a blessing.). Going through that was rough, and just when things started looking like it would be smooth sailing, well I have to go and get cancer. So that made me pretty angry, but you just have to use that anger and make it a positive.
I've seen what can happen when you let it be a negative. Your alive now, and you intend to keep living, don't let that anger knock you down.

Now, since I helped, and your a police officer and all, can I get one of those cards or stickers that lets me speed? (joking of course.)

Good Luck,
Brian

lisah · Regular Joined: 02 May 2005 Posts: 15

Hi

I've just had an update on my biopsy. I have got kidney cancer which has spread to my lymph nodes. Although initially after my CT scan the doc said my bowel and lymph nodes, he only said lymph nodes today. I've gotta go see him on Thursday for a surgery date and to discuss it more. I've just read on the net that Stage 3 kidney cancer is where it has spread to the lymph nodes and stage 4, the bowel. I feel like I haven't got a chance and I feel so numb. Although the doc said it is rare for someone as young as me to have it - I'm 35.

I know I've got to fight this but I feel so numb and so lost, I don't know what to do and I'm so scared.

Lisa

btgoss · Regular Joined: 31 Mar 2005 Posts: 20

Lisa,
For me focusing on the unusual aspects of my cancer didn't help. Unlike you being too young to get your type of cancer, I am too old. And at least for me, it doesn't make a bit of difference, I have it now, and I have to do something about it...now.
I hope you can find the strength you are going to need for this battle. Surgery and chemotherapy are never easy, but if that is what you have to do in order to survive, then you will just have to do it.
You have said your a police officer. I would have to imagine even in these "enlightened" times, that it was not easy to make it through the academy, and deal with male police officers who may have been less then friendly, or perhaps too friendly. But you did that. While I can't say that this fight is going to be easier then the police academy, not having done anything like that, you have already shown the mental and physical toughness to accomplish that goal. You just have to transfer that to this new fight.

Keep posting here, others will join in to tell you how they feel, or give you a pick up when you need it, maybe even a kick in the pants when you need that, and if you can deal with being a group, ask your doctor if there are an cancer support groups in your area. Perhaps that can help keep you focused. But above all let's try to get over this numb feeling. That is not going to help.

Good luck and let us know what is happening.

angel's mom · New User Joined: 08 Apr 2005 Posts: 7

Hi Lisa
One of the hardest things anyone has to do has to be WAIT. And I think that one of the greatest fears is the fear of the UNKNOWN.

Now that you're not waiting anymore, and you know what kind of cancer you have, you and your doctors can get on with treatment.

Surgery, Chemo and Radiation aren't fun - but they can be your friend at a time like this. I know that's a strange comment, but if they help you have another 70 productive years, then its worth it.
The researchers are doing wonders these days, even better than 16 years ago when I went through my treatments. (If you recall I told my "survivor's story" in another posting). And by the way, the baby girl that was born just prior to the start of my treatments, is 16 today.

I was told that if I did not have treatments, I would have about 2 years to live. Even though the chemo landed me in the hospital twice - sicker than a dog, and both chemo and radiation caused my hair to fall out, and I hope that I never have to go through that again - I am glad that I did - and so is my daughter.

Now, sorry to ramble, but I hope that you will see that it's okay to feel angry, scared, helpless, and have a whole host of other emotions. We can't choose our trials and tribulations, but we can choose how we will deal with them. And if its with anger, then that's fine - yell at someone, or punch a exercise bag, you'll feel better and you'll move on. But before you yell at someone, warn them that you don't really want to hurt them, you just need to vent.

I also hope that you have a family that you can lean on, and if not, ask about a support group - while you might think you can get by without one, think again. They can help you deal with your fear, because most of the time the members of that support group have gone through some sort of cancer themselves and a whole bevy of emotions also.

As for your family - get them going to a support group also, or they should talk to someone who is in the same position as they are. They can't understand the emotions of the patient - they have to relate to another husband, parent, brother, sister, child, etc.
Don't presume anything. Tell people what you want and what you need, and how YOU feel.

Your spirit and your will to beat the cancer appears strong.
You said it best yourself.......
"I have got to live, I so have to get through this. I will win this fight."

Take care
Angel's mom

lisah · Regular Joined: 02 May 2005 Posts: 15

Angels Mom and Brian

Sorry for not replying sooner. I've been in hospital for major surgery. I had my left kdney removed, part of my bowel and many lymph nodes. It was hell but I've been home 2 days now and I'm feeling better.

As you know, I was orginally diagnosed with grade4 kidney cancer and given a few years. However, the surgeon has told me that the kidney cancer had not spread. I have in fact got two kinds of cancer at once; very rare! My kidney cancer had not spread, so now removed. I have in fact got Lymphoma in my bowel (now removed) and lymph nodes (still left). So, Maybe (not confirmed by docs yet...) my lymphoma is treatable and therefore cureable; thats what I'm hoping anyway. I'm waiting to see exactely what type of lymphoma I have.

Soooooo, I'm not out of the woods. I still have mountains to climb and I still don't know exactely where I stand but I still have hope!!! and I won't let go.

I don't know exactely how bad, what type of lymphoma or what the treatment might be but I'm thinking my chances have increased from a few years to cureable - am I right??????????

I have joined a cancer support group and these are people like me, like you, like all tthe other amazing people I've met here who have beat all the odds, and to tell the truth, they have kept me alive. My Mum and my Sister have been to hell and back but have never given up being positive for me. the support group has helped them but since my most recent news (lymphoma not kidney cancer) they are convinced and certain that I can beat this.

You both did right??? I CAN AND I WILL with your help.

Lodsa love

Lisa xxxx

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