I'm New and Need Help!

serenitysonya · New User Joined: 07 Jul 2005 Posts: 2

My mom just got out of hospital after major surgery, a tumour was removed but cancer remains. The real kicker is that she left her husband the day before surgery and came to live with us(my husband, myself and two young girls). I am now her primary caregiver and she's been here for a week. Tonight we had a fight! I feel terrible as I was only trying to talk to her but she immediately starts telling me how sick she is and how she has to focus on getting better, then proceeded to turn everything I said into some kind of negative comment. Truth is I'm very spiritual and very sensitive and I only want to help her. I've turned my family and my home upside down to look after her and she's making it out to be like she's this huge burden and I can't possibly understand.
I don't know what to do, she was so hurtful, and I feel like we've really lost a part of what was an incredible mother/daughter relationship.
Is anyone experienced with this!?
_________________
SerenitySonya

MarkS · Last edited by MarkS on Fri Jul 08, 2005 9:45 am; edited 1 time in total

Sonya,

Your mother is probably scared and angry. She's not angry with you, she's angry at her illness but you just happen to be in the line of fire. Try not to take it personally.

She will very likely progress through the "five stages of grief".
1) Denial
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression
and finally
5) Acceptance

Even if her illness is not terminal, it is still a traumatic experience so she will pass through these stages. Then there's also the matter of her separation from her husband - another traumatic experience. Her whole life has completely changed in a matter of a few weeks and all that was familiar is now gone.

This does not, however, give her the right to throw your household into chaos. She has to understand that this kind of behaviour is not acceptable and you can not allow it. Maybe a grief counsellor could help her (and you) deal with things in a much more constructive manner. Talk to her doctor who will very likely be able to recommend one. If she refuses and persists in this behavior then other arrangements may need to be made. Your first duty must always be to your own family.

serenitysonya · New User Joined: 07 Jul 2005 Posts: 2

Thank you so much Mark. I found myself getting up early and escaping my own home with my kids, she has yet to wake up. She has accepted her illness but though she insists she's being positive, she isn't doing much to help herself. She doesn't seem to want to speak with anyone and she won't eat properly, just saying she's tired and sleep heals.
I'll just keep praying.
_________________
SerenitySonya

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