Living with it, and what to do now

CBCarcinoma

Ok, so I guess a bit of backstory is in need here.....
I was diagnosed in 2003 with an extremely rare type of Liver Cancer, Fibrolamellar Hepatocellular Carcinoma. I was only 14 at the time, putting me at 17 as I type. I went through too many surgeries and hard chemotherapy, some of the worst stuff possible. I ended up with a good attitude at the end of that year of hell, and went on with my life as normal as I could. However, last december, i relapsed in my lungs, and have been in surgery and on chemo since. My doctors don't have much faith in me living too much longer, the Hospus guy loves me, now. But I still continue life as if nothing happened. Well, with a good attitude at least, I make jokes about it, make fun of it, even. However, I just can't seem to get it right.

My problem comes with everone else that I'm with. I'm a senior in High School, so I should be on top of the world. However, my grades have suffered, ending up with only a 3.7 GPA, and my social life has, too, skipping around schools about every semester or so. Now, I've gotten to accepting my cancer, getting used to things not being the same, but I can't stand everyone elses' attitude towards it. I've tried not telling people, but that makes it worse when it comes out. I've tried brushing it off as nothing, but that just makes it worse. And I've tried being the sensitive guy about it, but that just invokes sympathy and that sure doesn't work.

See, I'm a high school guy, so my priority is girls. Something I realized early along was that feeling loved is the only thing worth living for when everything's gone out of your life. However, when I started treatments, no one would even come close to me. I had gone well over two years without female interaction, not even flirting, until my last girlfriend and I started dating. I think the only reason she did was because she had leukemia when she was a tiny tot, and she did feel sorry for me in a way. However, when I relapsed, she cheated on me and bailed shortly afterwards. Now, when I try flirting with girls, all they can think about is how I have cancer, or how I'm on chemo, or how I'm just a pathetic person not worthy of them. It's not like I'm a bad guy, I'm really nice, caring, and generous, but I can't get past the "cancer" hurtle. I can't think of any approach that might help, or maybe even work. I've honestly tried everything I can think about, but nothing works.

See, the thing about my cancer is that, the outlook is not so bright. I now have stage 4b cancer, just short of death. I am expected to die within the next few years at MAX. I'm not one to sit around and wait for it to all dissapear before I start dating, because that won't happen. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I've spent probalby the last half a year trying to get a date, and everytime I ask a girl out, I get the same response: "You have cancer, what if you die" / "But you have cancer" / "You're on chemo, I can't deal with that" I can't think of another way to do this... I'm out of ideas. I have tickets to John Mayer at the end of the month, and I still haven't been able to convince anyone to take a chance and just go, not even on a date or anything like that.

Any help with this would be greatly appreciated, 'cause I really do need it. Thanks a ton, guys.

loftus75

I hear you CBCarcinoma, though there is some difference in our ages I can imagine that life is not easy if you're trying to get into a relationship. You are absolutely correct when you say [quote]Something I realized early along was that feeling loved is the only thing worth living for when everything's gone out of your life[/quote]. And like you I don't need or want sympathy or pity. However I'm in the fortunate position of having a wife that cares for me deeply and friends that know better than to treat me any differently today than they did before I was diagnosed.

So what to do? At the risk of suggesting something you've already tried I'm going to try lay down some ground work.

People will have concerns about your state of health, the best thing to do is be upfront and let them come to know you before you show too much interest in them. By this I mean don't sound or be too desperate.

Try and get into some activity that brings you in touch with a new crowd. I don't mean ignore your current friends, only that you expand your range of friends. A new activity means you should meet people who are also trying something new, your illness will be of less importance in these type of circumstances.

Just be yourself, if you put on a front people will pick this up and it will make them uncomfortable.

Try and see any girl as potential friend before you think of her as possible conquest, if your only interest in her is sexual this is easy to see through and is unlikely to get the kind of relationship going you seem to deserve.

You may also be thinking you don't have much time to do all this in, just start the journey of change, it really doesn't matter whether you arrive as you will meet new people along the way, and finding a relationship that works for you depends on the number of people you meet.

Lots of luck

mssue · Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2005 6:46 pm Post subject: Living with it

Hi CBC,
I don't know if You were expecting a females point of view or not ,but after reading Your post it just hit me wrong. Sad

It made me remember my old neighbor Tommy-he was into everything sports wise had a girlfriend-then bam out of no where he got sick-like never before( he was still in High School)for a week he was sick-after going to the doctor he was diagnosed with Lukemia(sp),if he hadn't gone to the doctor when he did he would have died.I remember when he was going through treatments they made him very sick-his girlfriend broke up with him-she thought he was going to die and couldn't handle it. He tried to keep his head up,but that was a big blow with everything else he was going through. You know after 2 years of treatments then going back here and there,he is still here and got married earlier this year ,he's a wonderful person it just takes the right person to see it - to see farther than a diagnoses- God is the one that will determine Your fate,as he does for the rest of us ,obviously You have not fulfilled Your lot in this life,YOU are still with us.
As for the people who can't deal with it or that keep saying things about the cancer are being inmature and borderline cruel-You have been through so much-You deserve someone that will love You for You - don't give up,live each day to its fullest and have some fun-You can't be anyone except Yourself- well unless You are an actor-He He!
Don't lose your sense of humor -check out older women shoooot!

God Bless You!
_________________
Sue
Age-44
DX-8/29/2003
Stage 1 - ER/PR-,HER2-NU+
Infilterating Ductal Carcinoma
Modified Radical Mastectomy/Left-side
4 Rounds of A/C-completed 1/2004

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